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ingestible toothpaste. Win the day with a winning smile! News today from
the world of science! Experts from around the world have gathered in
Geneva, Switzerland, to discuss the growing phenomena known as TOE-TICKLERS.
These large but seemingly harmless creatures have created an increasing
panic as young women around the world are being abducted to apparently have
their toes tickled. Religious leaders last week denounced the TOE-TICKLERS
as proof that sexual relations out of wedlock will bring eternal punishment.
Leading scientists aren't sure the goal of the creatures is that philosophical...
Ach-tung! Eet is vit the greatest pleasure, yah!, that I am today to report on da findings of the Analyse des Zehenkitzelverhaltens und der Damit Verbundenen Physiologie, yah! dah leetle toesy-ticklin' creetures like da giant feather dusters dat like da leetle girls, yah! and im Sinne dieser Meta-Site-Frage, I announce the following data. Is exciting, yah? We conclude tha fallowing:
Drs. Jenkins, Volkov, Abdullahi, et al. (2020) suggested based on the tendency of the Toe-Tickler's muscles to shiver while tickling the toes of young women that the combination of toe jam with female enzymes is hallucinogenic. Apparently, tickling a girl compared to a fully-grown woman is a more intense rush. Gloria Steinhem has called a press release later this evening to elaborate on this report.
Caribbean housewife Alvita Reid (2021) suggested based on the tendency of the Toe-Ticklers to, well, tickle, is that they lack the capacity for Gargalesis, the natural tickle response leading to laughter that many mammals enjoy to one degree or another — and therefore can only experience it vicariously. Further, she's sure that their hearing must center on higher frequencies than humans, which is why they prefer the laughter of females. She's been quoted by our undercover reporter at Jamaica's famous Geejam Bushbar that she's entirely disappointed Toe-Ticklers haven't yet been found in Jamaica.
Dr. Emmett Brown (1985) suggested that the Toe-Ticklers appear to have no means of vocal expression. He concludes that, since the feet alone are responsible for over 400,000 nerve endings, what they must be doing is trying to communicate. He substantiates his claim by pointing out that the creatures only attempt to communicate with girls, who are known world-over to chat incessantly and are therefore the most obvious candidates for successful communication. However, in a brilliant Master's Thesis, Breathnach (2018) points out that this is unlikely because the Toe-Ticklers never take the girls' phones.
Dr. Sakura Chiba (2021) carefully monitored the condition of a girl while being tickled by a Toe Tickler and discovered that the increased dopamine from tickling was osmotically absorbed by the Toe Tickler as a form of bonding and concluded that the Toe Ticklers, which are apparently all male and otherwise asexual in nature, are simply trying to get a date.
A classified CIA report leaked through Wikileaks reveals that an analysis of Toe Tickler behavior suggests they're trying to extort information from their victims. The CIA is now investigating the possibility that toe tickling may be a heckuva lot more efficient than waterboarding. The report further indicates that it's to remain highly classified due to the embarrasment of admitting that the agency has been materially wrong all these years.
Dr. Nefario (2010) claims to have definitively proven that effective toe tickling is a great way to exhaust people. He further claims to have proof that the victims who are not returned are those who fell asleep from the exhaustion. He claims to have developed a Blurp Gun that he guarantees will awaken any victim. He finally claims that the lack of ransom demands from the Toe Ticklers in no way exonerates their obvious efforts to capitalize on their natural abilities.
Six year old Sigríður Magnúsdóttir has suggested that Toe Ticklers aren't really real and are really a story told by her pabbi to get her to brush her teeth. According to her pabbi, the Toe Ticklers (like cats) feed off the oxygen-rich exhalations associated with laughter. Local reporters doubt Sigríður's story because her pabbi says she likes the taste of...
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