Just Use TP 
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Why not use the TP like everybody else does? Oh, you might not realize TP stands for "teleportation portals". 

They are simple and friendly to use--just insert an ergonomically delightful portal device into any orifice that might offend and *viola*, no more trips to the bathroom! In no time at all the whole crew can be ready for a full episode of bathroom-break-free entertainment!

TP is [clinically proven][1] to be safe, friendly and easy to use. Even lactose-intolerant Klingers-On can breath easy with TP caressing their innards.

"I've never felt so confident in my whole life!"
- *Wharf, buttermilk lover*

"Crew productivity is up 13.5% now that TP is standard issue!"
- *Captain Smirk*

***Go Boldly With TP!***


  [1]: http://images.clipartpanda.com/happy-face-clipart-excited-smiley-face-clip-art-i11.jpg