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I'm from an impatient, short lived, and cheap species known as human and while I've developed the means to travel the galaxy, I'm pissed at it. It knows what it did. So I've had enough. I'm looking for a good place to sit down, fix a drink, and watch as the universe shows me how it ends.

I won't live for eons naturally, so I need to find a way to speed things up, and let eons pass in moments while kicking my feet up. Not too fast because I want to make rude gestures as all life winks out.

I don't care about going back and reporting any of these discoveries to my friends. This is just for me. After I see the show I don't care what happens.

Somewhere near Earth would be nice. Would make the trip short. Don't want to waste too much time thinking about this.

Where should I go?

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    $\begingroup$ I'm not sure this is really answerable as it stands, but I'm not quite sure enough to nail this shut unilaterally. Can you clarify what exactly you mean by "the universe [dying]"? Are you referring to the heat death of the universe? $\endgroup$ – a CVn Sep 18 '17 at 21:14
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    $\begingroup$ Non-serious answer: why not make a reservation at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? $\endgroup$ – Draconis Sep 18 '17 at 21:15
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    $\begingroup$ I'm afraid you will probably be exceptionally bored for a vast majority of the universe's lifespan. After all the stars die, all that will remain is their cooling husks and black holes, and the amount of time it will take for all the black holes to evaporate exceeds the expected lifespan of all fusion stars by many, many orders of magnitude. $\endgroup$ – MozerShmozer Sep 18 '17 at 22:08
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    $\begingroup$ @MozerShmozer sounds lovely. Just wanna flip em off as they go. $\endgroup$ – candied_orange Sep 18 '17 at 22:13
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    $\begingroup$ How is this off topic? They don't care that it's boring, they aren't asking why someone would do it, they just want to know how someone could scientifically stretch a human lifetime out till the end of the universe. $\endgroup$ – AndyD273 Sep 19 '17 at 14:37
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To make sure you don't miss the end of the universe, you should travel as fast as possible towards the most massive black hole. Current candidate is S5 0014+81 which is estimated to be about 40 billion solar masses and is, unfortunately, quite far - about 12 billion light years away from us.

Once there, you find a secure and stable orbit, from which you can observe the end of the universe.

According to heat death/big freeze theory, the universe will take a long time to die.

First, Stelliferous Era (the era of stars) will come to an end in about 10E14 years. All stars will go extinct, and only black bodies will remain. However, this is not going to be the end yet.

Next, black bodies will slowly degrade during the Degenerate Era until finally all protons in the universe will cease to exist in about 10E40 years.

Next, Black Hole Era starts. At this time, all solid matter in the universe remains only inside black holes (and you orbiting the biggest one). Due to Hawkins' radiation, black holes will slowly evaporate, smaller ones faster than large ones.

Finally, about 1.342×10E99 years from now, even the most massive black hole that you are orbiting will evaporate, and you can say that this is the end of the universe.

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  • $\begingroup$ This is fairly good. But how close do I have to orbit to be sure it dies before I do? Remember, I don't care what happens afterwards. $\endgroup$ – candied_orange Sep 18 '17 at 23:01
  • $\begingroup$ You initial orbit should be well clear of the accretion disk. In the future, providing that you can ensure that you don't die for that long, the orbit should be adjusted as the black hole will be evaporating and its gravitational pull will be decreasing. $\endgroup$ – Alexander Sep 18 '17 at 23:08
  • $\begingroup$ Might need to throw in some suspended animation/hibernation too, just to be on the safe side. $\endgroup$ – AndyD273 Sep 19 '17 at 15:16
  • $\begingroup$ @Alexander good to know. I'll have navigation adjust for that as I watch all the lights go out. :) $\endgroup$ – candied_orange Sep 19 '17 at 21:20
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You'll have to be prepared for a longish wait... our best intel is that we have some 10^100 years before the heat death of the universe (Alexander does a nice job breaking this down). There will be several issues to deal with in relation to this long time span, namely: all the protons in your body and ship decaying; securing a good supply of vittles; and ... well ... exceeding a lifespan of 80 or so years.

You'd stressed that you're in a bit of a hurry, so you want your detecting devices to report back to verify the final end of everything on all sides simultaneously, yes? Which means that if you don't want to have to correct for lopsided time lag on your telemetry, you'll have to go to the center of the universe. This way you'll get the last photons from all quarters simultaneously. Only one problem...

There isn't a center. Or even a centre. (http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/Relativity/GR/centre.html) The upside of this is that you really don't have to go far at all. All points should be about the same for your purpose, so you just need to get yourself far enough away from the Earth that it's bulk doesn't block the show.

One final difficulty (assuming you've got that proton decay thing licked)... The End is likely to be a bit ... boring. I mean, all you'll really get is fewer and fewer pings from the devices you're using to track the disappearance of mass and such.

If you've got a mad on and you've got schedule pressure, you should take more direct action. May I suggest playing with ancient cursed artifacts, saying certain forbidden names three times, or perhaps something with a nice "Fhtagn"?

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  • $\begingroup$ 80 years? Was hoping some relativistic mumbo jumbo would let me fast forward through it. $\endgroup$ – candied_orange Sep 18 '17 at 23:47
  • $\begingroup$ @CandiedOrange - well, there is a possibility that when you are falling into a supermassive black hole, time dilates so much that 10E100 years will pass in an eyeblink, and you don't actually hit the central singularity before it evaporates right under you. $\endgroup$ – Alexander Sep 18 '17 at 23:59
  • $\begingroup$ @CandiedOrange well yes, you can "skip" most of that 10^100 years by accelerating to nearly the speed of light, but remember, The End is a pretty drawn-out process. The action-packed finale consists of several millennia of checking and rechecking your instrumentation to make sure there's no more lingering matter out there. This is kind of why I'm suggesting you aggressively accelerate the process via eldritch abomination. $\endgroup$ – akaioi Sep 19 '17 at 0:06
  • $\begingroup$ proton decay is theoretical, though crops up a bunch in different theories extending beyond the Standard Model. $\endgroup$ – Snyder005 Sep 19 '17 at 19:58
  • $\begingroup$ @akaioi That's ok. I'd just like those several millennia to take place sometime between when I sit down and when I finish my drink. $\endgroup$ – candied_orange Sep 19 '17 at 21:17

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