Good morning, ladies and gentleman, and congratulations on your promotions. You are now all official members of the Ministry of the Protection of Vampires. The creation of this new branch of the government had to be done faster than we had liked to, so excuse us the name. As you might all know, the government isn't denying the existence of vampires anymore. Which means new measures need to be taken.

The existence of vampires, although shocking to the general populace, was no secret to us. Vampires have been among us for a long time and we have been working together with the League of Vampires to keep vampire related accidents under covers. The League is a small group of vampires that strives for coexistence with humans and is currently the closest thing vampires have to a representative. For a long time we had both decided that the best way to preserve both species was to keep vampirism a secret, but demographics have shifted. Currently, about 1 in 1000 people are vampires. This made it difficult to contain them, as more and more vampires were asking for equal rights and more videos of vampires using their powers were going viral.

The premise of vampires entering our society is very interesting on paper. Even though they can only work nights shifts, they are many times more efficient in many jobs than humans through their superhuman strength, speed and reflexes. They also tend to live way longer, meaning that the average vampire has more work experience than the average human. They also opened a new market to these things called blood-oranges. People were comparing them to snozzcumbers? Don't ask me, I don't know what snozzwhates are. Point is that they mean money.

The problem we're experiencing is that a lot of people aren't taking the reveal very well. Vampires are an image of fear, which makes it difficult for humans to accept them. It has been recently confirmed under the masses that vampires, unlike the myth, do not need permission to enter someone's home; technically they can just waltz in, take your blood, and walk out without much consequences due to their abilities. This causes humans to feel unsafe. Getting bitten by a vampire means inescapable doom: you either die or turn into a vampire yourself. That vampires lose all their powers during the day isn't making things any better, because this inspires a 'we must strike first' attitude in a lot of people. We already had various court cases of people who thought they were doing God's work by driving wooden stakes through innocent vampire citizens.

In reality, biting accidents don't really happen all that often. After all, vampires have been among us the whole time. Our statistics say the chance of getting killed by a cow is higher than getting bitten by a vampire. Vampires are overall just as reasonable as any human. They have blood-oranges as alternative and killing humans is seen as a sign of weakness and lack of self-control. The League of Vampires has almost perfect integrity in the vampire community and has ways of finding out if you've bitten a human. Consequences follow. Telling people this, however, had little effect. Media found vampirism to be a controversial topic, and things have been going downwards since the news is covering vampire-related accidents.

Given these facts, what is our best course of action? What measures could possibly be taken to calm down the masses? Some vampires have their objections as well, but they are being taken care off by the League. We don't have to bother with them.


closed as too broad by Aify, James, Mindwin, dot_Sp0T, Zxyrra Jan 31 '17 at 23:40

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    $\begingroup$ If you added a reality-check tag, i'd tell you that 1 in 1000 is too many vampires. Almost everyone will know someone that is (secretly/openly) a vampire. There would be two in my apartment building. And about 7 in the building complex I work at. $\endgroup$ – Mindwin Jan 31 '17 at 19:43
  • $\begingroup$ I don't have anything personally to contribute; however, here is how someone else dealt with the same situation. I thought it might be interesting to you. samandfuzzy.com/1820 $\endgroup$ – The Composer Jan 31 '17 at 23:06
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    $\begingroup$ Moderator note to all: Sardonic political comments, while perhaps excellent for someone like John Oliver, are not good for Stack Exchange. Please refrain from further commentary, even if it is veiled. $\endgroup$ – HDE 226868 Feb 1 '17 at 1:26

First off, Truth is irrelevant. Fear is never a result of truth. To get people over their fear of something, you have to give them control over it (or at least the illusion of control). Take flying vs driving. Statistically, flying is safer, but more people are afraid of flying than driving because when I drive, I have control of the car. Second, people can never be made to accept something or someone. Those who don't accept vampires probably never will, just like racists/homophobes/(insert prejudice here) will likely never change their ways. After all, the saying is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Third, people must feel superior. Pointing out the good that vampires will do for the economy because "they are many times more efficient in many jobs than humans" will not help. Instead, publicize the weaknesses and the pitfalls of being a vampire.

So, you need to develop something like pepper spray (probably garlic spray) so people can feel like they have some control about being attacked. Heck, you could even invent some "Alternative Facts" that show a scentless chemical in garlic is what repels vampires and start putting it in deodorants, perfumes, candles, bug sprays, daily supplement caplets, etc. Another step would be to mock people who are anti-vampire. Make wikipages where you misquote prominent anti-vampers or use soundbites that are taken out of context. Start publicizing instances of anti-vampers killing someone who really wasn't a vampire. Get people to fear anti-vampire activists more than they fear vampires. You need to make people who accept vampires feel superior to those who freak out about them. Remake Lost Boys but make the Frog brothers the bad guys/...lololol! And finally, fill the news and tabloids with horrible tales of the pitfalls of being a vampire. Eg "In tonight's leading story we meet the adopted children of the vampire that exploded in flames today when she didn't get home from her second job before sunrise." You could also have some ASPCV (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vampires) commercials with super sad Sarah McLachlan songs playing in the background.

All this will make it "suck" to be a vampire (hahaha! I'm not funny...), but you asked how to get people to quit freaking out, not make vampires and people peacefully coexist. And judging by the conflicts between Jews/Arabs, Muslims/Christians, US President/The World, etc. people can't coexist with anyone peacefully...and that makes me sad.

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    $\begingroup$ It would certainly open the market for wooden bullets designed to lodge in a vamp's heart. That'd make me feel more in control. $\endgroup$ – SethWhite Jan 31 '17 at 22:29


(Burki isn't wrong!) You create chaos in another area and that takes the concern from one subject to the 'more important one'. Then when that crisis is old news, so is the fact that (say a few months later) vampires are among us. They are hardly worth mentioning.

You also prepare facts that would help promote vampires as a minority. They work harder and at night. They live longer and therefore have more work experience/ can be better educated -- yet still only work nights! They have crime statistics that show per capita, they are involved with less crime or assault/murder than the human population. Blood oranges are grown by humans and therefore vampires are a boon to the human's economy.

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    $\begingroup$ There are days when i really don't like being right. $\endgroup$ – Burki Jan 31 '17 at 17:11

Monetize Assured Protection

You create an anti-vampire vaccine that infects any vampire who chomps into a normal human, giving them a pretty nasty attack of hives (or something equally unpleasant).

You sell the vaccine on a subscription basis, which would protect those who could afford the protection.

Obviously, you'd want to add a pheromone to the vaccine so that vampires are aware of who's not safe to suck on.

  • $\begingroup$ A clever idea, and no doubt savvy business men would sell them. But I feel this would exacerbate the situation. $\endgroup$ – user2259716 Jan 31 '17 at 15:28
  1. The Good
    • Initiate a propaganda campaign extolling the good vampires do and how they integrate into society.
      • Vampires are industry builders, philanthropists, scientists etc.
    • Add a bit of glitz and glamour to them
      • TV shows like "In the boudoir of the Vampire", "Eternal Love", and "Love is in the Blood" humanize and glamorize a new population segment.
  2. The Bad
    • The masses need to know the consequences of failure to integrate vampires, but it needs to be extolled in a subtle way to prevent chaos and fear.
  3. The Ugly
    • The fear exists for a reason and needs to be addressed. This will require cooperation with The League so they know what is going on.
      • The FBI has opened a new integrated (human and vampire) task force "Blood Crimes", to deal with vampire related crimes.
      • Make a point of coming down hard on any vampires that disturb the peace.
      • Legislation needs to be passed to deal with Glamours and their effects.

Oh, we simple humans like to think a superior being wouldn't exert their superiority of the mere mortals. Ha

But if we want to pretend that we can control an uncontrollable outcome, then have the best of them play a sport that people can watch, wager on, talk about. The sooner a vampire plays midnight baseball, the sooner the masses will gravitate to supporting them.


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