To all Evil Conglomerate Inc. interns, indentured students, and unpaid researchers,
After being a nameless henchmen for far too long, you are finally ready for your thesis, to graduate to full-fledged mad scientist!
The topic of your thesis (yes, we're choosing this for you, the 'mad' doesn't mean 'upset', so get over it) is as follows:
You are to create the first functioning human (or human-like) cyborg.
- No nitpicking about whether this is actual thesis material! We own you, so get to work!
- The 'vital organs' are vital for a reason. No debating if they can be left out!
- Non-vital organs and/or brain functions that can be left out, should be left out. This, however, must not impair motor functions and/or overall functionality. No Dr Doofenschmirtz '-inator' junk! And you should be able to defend why it is/can be/should be left out (unless you enjoy being a no-name grunt).
- This is not in regards to specific, goal-oriented functions for said cyborg. This is about the 'standard model'. We at E-Conglomo acknowledge your efforts to aim for the stars, but frankly you're a no-name grunt. Prove you're worth trusting first!
- All projects need to be finished in your lifetime! So if phasing in and out of reality is your thing, I suggest you have one hell of a team! Go, E-Conglomo! (P.S.: skipping all those pesky coffee breaks, silly days off, and absolutely needless things like 'sleeping' and 'eating' might help, too!)
How to earn bonus points?
Why, thank you for asking! At E-conglomo, we really love underlings that know how to grovel like they mean it! Please note the following, simple ways to make us want to remember your name (or not kill you for no apparent reason):
- After isolating all vital functions, suggestions for non-vital (natural) functions that improve the usefulness of the cyborg might highlight you know what you're talking about. Or, if you're feeling particularly smug in your knowledge (never a bad thing!), you can suggest interesting (non natural) upgrades that can be made! Please note that the 'in your lifetime' theme holds true.
- Getting creative, but not particularly troll-y. Not that we don't think flamethrower farts are hilarious (especially behind enemy lines), we just won't care. Really. At all. We might actually be laughing at you, not with you, should you go that route.
Any and all questions should be posed to the nearest homocidal maniac with a fully loaded, fully automatic assault rifle (and I really don't care if that's really a thing, it will still shoot you in the head!).
The head of E-Conglomo's R&D Division. So you'd better make me look good!