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To all Evil Conglomerate Inc. interns, indentured students, and unpaid researchers,

Congratulations!

After being a nameless henchmen for far too long, you are finally ready for your thesis, to graduate to full-fledged mad scientist!

The topic of your thesis (yes, we're choosing this for you, the 'mad' doesn't mean 'upset', so get over it) is as follows:

You are to create the first functioning human (or human-like) cyborg.

Requirements:

  • No nitpicking about whether this is actual thesis material! We own you, so get to work!
  • The 'vital organs' are vital for a reason. No debating if they can be left out!
  • Non-vital organs and/or brain functions that can be left out, should be left out. This, however, must not impair motor functions and/or overall functionality. No Dr Doofenschmirtz '-inator' junk! And you should be able to defend why it is/can be/should be left out (unless you enjoy being a no-name grunt).
  • This is not in regards to specific, goal-oriented functions for said cyborg. This is about the 'standard model'. We at E-Conglomo acknowledge your efforts to aim for the stars, but frankly you're a no-name grunt. Prove you're worth trusting first!
  • All projects need to be finished in your lifetime! So if phasing in and out of reality is your thing, I suggest you have one hell of a team! Go, E-Conglomo! (P.S.: skipping all those pesky coffee breaks, silly days off, and absolutely needless things like 'sleeping' and 'eating' might help, too!)

How to earn bonus points?

Why, thank you for asking! At E-conglomo, we really love underlings that know how to grovel like they mean it! Please note the following, simple ways to make us want to remember your name (or not kill you for no apparent reason):

  • After isolating all vital functions, suggestions for non-vital (natural) functions that improve the usefulness of the cyborg might highlight you know what you're talking about. Or, if you're feeling particularly smug in your knowledge (never a bad thing!), you can suggest interesting (non natural) upgrades that can be made! Please note that the 'in your lifetime' theme holds true.
  • Getting creative, but not particularly troll-y. Not that we don't think flamethrower farts are hilarious (especially behind enemy lines), we just won't care. Really. At all. We might actually be laughing at you, not with you, should you go that route.

Question?

Any and all questions should be posed to the nearest homocidal maniac with a fully loaded, fully automatic assault rifle (and I really don't care if that's really a thing, it will still shoot you in the head!).

Sincerely,

The head of E-Conglomo's R&D Division. So you'd better make me look good!

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

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  • $\begingroup$ (or human-like) adds potentially unnecessary confusion; it implies that the cyborg doesn't have to be human-based which I'm guessing is not the case. Consider elaborating on this or removing it to be more clear $\endgroup$ – Zxyrra Dec 15 '16 at 1:33
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    $\begingroup$ @Zxyrra If you can create a feline cyborg that meets the criteria, we at E-Conglomo won't nitpick. Just no koalas. Even evil has its standards. $\endgroup$ – Fayth85 Dec 15 '16 at 1:35
  • $\begingroup$ Is cost a problem? $\endgroup$ – Zxyrra Dec 15 '16 at 1:40
  • $\begingroup$ @Zxyrra Not at all! We're not paying any of you, after all! $\endgroup$ – Fayth85 Dec 15 '16 at 1:41
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    $\begingroup$ @AlexandervonWernherr It needs to be able to handle the widest range of skills possible, of course. After all, even the most basic of TVs can handle playing an orchestra's symphony. $\endgroup$ – Fayth85 Dec 15 '16 at 11:21
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Let's go off a human base. They're fairly common.


Base Human

  • Choose an exceptionally healthy starting point. Cyborgs should not be susceptible to disease, and they should have genes making them predisposed to physical fitness. Choose the gender of your preference, although male may suit these purposes better; there is more natural testosterone, and the best male athletes may out-compete the best female athletes.
  • Modify for greatness. Go all-out here; use only natural genes from other humans, as the majority of the problems we will address are easily solvable mechanically. Enhance muscle mass, endurance, bone density, and metabolism until the resulting genome reflects perfection while still being "human".
  • Clone the resulting genome, and adjust as needed according to errors present in cloned individuals. Rinse and repeat until satisfied.

External Organs

  • Opt for safer skin. Skin is mushy, vulnerable, and provides an entrance for a number of things - weapons, parasites, and irritants included. Perhaps additional layers of skin cells or even a self-healing polymer laced with metal particles would make the skin harder to penetrate, and could also help with temperature-related discomfort.
  • Use electric tissue to power the machines. Cyborgs need some way to generate electricity when mechanical parts are involved. Rather than batteries, which can corrode and leak, generators, which are noisy, or charging, which isn't always an option, consider a polymer layer below the skin that turns chemical energy into electricity. Polymers solve everything.(™)
  • Internalize external reproduction-related organs. This includes breasts on females and genitals of either gender. Assuming these cyborgs will not reproduce, external organs will only get in the way; however, organs responsible for the production of hormones should stay.

Locomotion and Interaction

  • Strengthen the knees, elbows, hips, and neck with steel. Problems in these areas are likely to occur, due to old age and higher-than-average physical activity. Alternatively, consider carbon nanotubes or another high-strength, lightweight material.
  • Strengthen the skull and other bones while you're at it. While expensive, this enhances movement and reduces the risk of injury.
  • Simplify the feet. We evolved from creatures that used flexible feet for locomotion; however, the bones they once used are now a burden for modern-day humans. Feet can be simplified to an extreme degree surgically. A simple arch with a two-way hinge separating the front part of the foot from the flat part and the heel should suffice.
  • Strengthen the hands. Be careful and precise, using steel or carbon to reinforce joints and rods while avoiding nerves at all costs. Design for maximum dexterity while maintaining an iron grip, literally.
  • Remove useless locomotive muscles. Depending on your base individual, there may be muscles to control the ears, specific parts of the feet, and other similarly seldom-used places. These consume energy, so they can be removed.

Meeting Basic Needs

  • Strengthen the teeth. Assuming cyborgs must eat, reinforced teeth will reduce hygiene-related issues that would otherwise occur. It may also be weaponized, or serve as a tool.
  • Move the epiglottis and reroute some tubes. Humans use their mouths both for consuming food and breathing. This is dangerous. Consider an extensive surgery that widens the nasal cavity, optimizing it for breathing and preventing mucus buildup, and that also prevents the mouth from being used to breathe.
  • Optimize the intestinal tract to digest cellulose. This may involve genetic modification or chemical injections, but it will allow individuals to digest a multitude of raw plants, including some wood. Many animals can naturally digest it, but humans cannot for disputed reasons.
  • Remove the appendix. While this small organ may house healthy bacteria, it is not necessary to survive, and it is vulnerable to appendicitis - which can cause work-inhibiting pain.

Sensory Methods

  • Improve vision as much as possible. This may be done with polymer-based lenses, surgery, genetic modification, or pressure-inducing mechanisms surrounding the eye.
  • Adapt the eyes to see in infrared and/or ultraviolet. This may involve complex chemical injections or genetic modification, but it will allow significant
  • Improve hearing and smell. This is achievable through thorough training or genetic modification.

Cognition

  • Edit the brain as you wish. I will not go into detail as there are simply too many possibilities; consider careful changes to the parts associated with emotions, lust, or obedience. This is customizable.

Other Changes

  • Implement a mechanical heart. The human heart is susceptible to disease, and requires blood itself to operate. Consider an internal pump that regulates both blood pressure and heart rate with efficiency.
  • Remove cancer-prone tissue. This may include the prostate, colon, kidney, bladder, thyroid, and lungs. Mechanical replacements are ideal in several of these cases.
  • Install smart pumps. Place a circuit in an empty body cavity and connect it to the brain via electrodes. Upon stimulus, the device should release the appropriate hormone, antibacterial or antiviral agent, steroid, or stimulant into the appropriate body systems. This should reduce the need for medication. Pumps can be directly below the skin, so that they can be refilled similarly to a port implant; alternatively, another machine may manufacture these materials in the body if an efficient method is determined.
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  • $\begingroup$ Excellent hardware suggestions! Yes, most interesting. $\endgroup$ – Fayth85 Dec 15 '16 at 3:12

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