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Phone message to you, Noel, on 10th October 2016 (AD):

Hey, Noel, it's Rudolf Jelínek here. God just send me a message on Facebook (I know it's true, because god gave me a vision in my sleep):

Dear Rudolf,

I saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil or Facebook continually. And it angered me that I had made man on the earth, and it grieved me at my heart. And I said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it angers me that I have made them.

But you and Noel found grace in the eyes of mine:

As I looked upon the Earth, and, beholded, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted it's [sic] way upon the Earth. The end of all flesh is to come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through and through; I shall destroy them with a flood, like I already did it. I shall flood the Earth, sink all ships and malfunction all orbital devices. I also decided I will save you from the flood and warn you, for I think you are very decent and honest people I like your names. Make thee an Ark of whatever you want; rooms shalt thou make in the Ark.

And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the Earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, under heaven; and every thing that is in the Earth shall die. But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the Ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the Ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind; two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

And take thou unto thee of all food that is to be eaten, and thou shalt gather it and store it; and it shall be food for you, and for the beasts.

Seven days from now, I will cause it to rain upon the earth for forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
And the waters will prevail upon the earth a hundred and fifty days.

Yours, sincerely,

God

And a few seconds later I got this:

PS. Don't forget to tell Noel, you shall not take anybody else except your close family with you, or you shall die painfully, in corruption.

Long story short (after finding a dictionary), here's a summary:

  • We have 7 days to make/obtain a giant boat

  • The boat should be able to:

    • Carry a pair of each type of animal (only the most important species - at maximum how much types a zoo has - the largest zoo in the world has 1500 species on 84 acres)

    • Survive 40 days of rain and 150 days on water

    • Have enough food for up to 1500 animal pairs and 2 5-people families

  • We should not tell anybody, nor should anybody find out.

  • God gave me a check for a few millions (or was it billions? How I hate my dislexia...) of dollars.


I guess we will die a painful death by posting this here, because you, Noel, are not the only one reading this (what about the Stackexchange moderators), but next Monday (Why! Why does it have to be a Monday!) the world will end as we know it.

So, many questions come up, and I don't know how to answer them: Is this technically feasible? Can such a project be achieved? How big should such a ship be, and can we obtain it in a week? Can we do this without anybody noticing?

Footnote: I'm not trying to make fun of Christianity on its behalf here, and I'm a believer too.

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  • 1
    $\begingroup$ Why an arch in the Title? $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 10 '16 at 21:11
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    $\begingroup$ «Gen 9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.» God already said that he won’t send a second flood. To use Abrahamic mythogy, make it a different catastrophe. $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 10 '16 at 21:17
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    $\begingroup$ The title of the question is delightfully silly. Why not make that the question? (How big of an arch do you need to withstand a 40 day flood and house 2 of every living thing?) $\endgroup$ – Thucydides Oct 10 '16 at 21:48
  • $\begingroup$ I'm reminded of the quote from Star Trek: "Why does God need a space ship?" If He can generate water as needed, perhaps he could generate boats? Maybe give Him one boat to start with so He can divide it loaves-and-fishes style. $\endgroup$ – SRM Oct 11 '16 at 6:14
  • $\begingroup$ @JDługosz well maybe it wasn't God then... $\endgroup$ – RudolfJelin Oct 11 '16 at 8:00
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Tell Everyone It's a Floating Zoo and Christian Libertarian Paradise.

How do we do it? We use what @GrinningX casually dismissed.

Let's cross the aircraft carrier off the list because those just aren't for sale to private parties.

Oh but they are. The HMS Illustrious is for sale, but it's too small for our needs. In fact, every ship is too small. But what's interesting for our purposes is the Chinese recently bought and unfinished Ukrainian (originally Soviet) aircraft carrier claiming it was for a "theme park". Instead it was fixed up and the Chinese military is using it for gaining experience in carrier operations.

We'll do the same thing. Pose as a rich nut who wants to make a floating zoo and libertarian paradise. You'll homestead in international waters and be free from Earthly laws! You can do all sorts of crazy things in full view of the public because it's all for your self-sustaining new Atlantis!

First, we need to get rid of a few unreasonable client requirements.

There's no way you can even buy a boat of the necessary size in 7 days, much less fit it out to carry a self-contained zoo for 40 days. It's ok, clients make unreasonable demands all the time. Just renegotiate with God, Abraham did it all the time.

Clients love to tell their contractors how to do their job. We need to remind God that if they want that sort of control, they're going to have to hire us as an employee. God tells us what result they want, their budget and time frame, and we make it happen... or tell them it's bollocks.

We're gonna need a bigger boat, and more of them.

I have bad news, God. We've crunched the numbers and I don't see how this is going to work with just one boat. You say your previous contractor got the job done with a 145 m x 24 m x 14 m hull... but I don't know how to do that. Did you inspect his work? Maybe he was putting you on.

No boat on Earth can hold 84 acres. That's 340,000 m2 or 582 m x 582 m. The largest supertankers on Earth are 380 m x 68 m and that's their external dimensions. You'd need 20 decks just for the animals, let alone storage for food, water, and supplies. Nope, God will just have to drop the nostalgia factor and allow us to have a fleet.

While we could get away with less space than a zoo, zoos don't have to store all their food, water, and supplies for 40 days.

This also solves the problem of maintaining different biomes. I know you can get the lamb to lie down with the lion, that'll be a big help thank you, but I don't think you can get the polar bear to like the same temperature and humidity as the rhinoceros. If we had just one ship we'd have to climate control each compartment separately to simulate all the major biomes, complex and time consuming. With a fleet each ship only needs to simulate one biome.

We're gonna need more money.

God, we're gonna need to nail you down on a budget. We're gonna need that billion to buy the hulls, tow them, refurbish their engines and seakeeping equipment, gut them, and redesign them to hold a floating zoo.

A global flood you say? Heavy currents? Wild seas? Constant rain? And a ship full of live cargo? We're gonna need some serious anti-roll and ship-keeping technology.

And the faster you want to do that, the more money it's gonna take. Which comes to the next problem...

We're gonna need more time.

We have 7 days to make/obtain a giant boat.

Look, God, I know you're all excited to wipe out wickedness in humanity ASAP, but you've waited a few thousands years to do it... again... are you sure this is legal? I mean, you're still advertising that covenant with the rainbows and all... well, that's for the legal department.

Point is, you can wait a few more years. You're putting all your eggs in one basket, let's be sure we get it right. I'd even suggest we allow time for a test run, take the fleet out for 40 days, see how we do, fix any bugs. That way when it's showtime and civilization is 50 meters under water, we don't realize 3 days in that we forgot something.

We're gonna need more people. A lot more people.

I'm sorry, God, but I'm not a sailor and neither is anyone in my family. 5 untrained adults cannot manage one supertanker, in a storm, much less a whole fleet of them. Plus feed, water, and care for thousands of animals. And take care of the kids.

With my story that I'm building a Christian Libertarian Paradise, I'll hire on only devout families who are willing to relocate to my floating city. Then I can have as large a pool of labor and sailors as I need.

Also about the two of every creature thing... genetics says no. I know some of your followers aren't big fans of evolution, but that seems to be the way you set things up, and who am I to question your work? We're going to need a much bigger breeding pool than just two families. That'll kill two birds with one stone.

Then we go about building it in full view of the public.

No need to hide or LIE, I hear that's an important value to you, God. We tell everyone we're building a Floating Zoo and Christian Libertarian Paradise to live in international waters. And that's just what we're doing.

Now we can get the people, animals, and supplies without being secretive. We can purchase old cargo, tanker, and military hulls and refurbish them at normal dockyards. This will make things faster and cheaper. It won't cause a panic because we're just another crazy Christian utopian community.

With the extra time you've given us, we can set sail, do a few test cruises, work out the bugs, and be ready at sea for launch day in say... how's 2021 for you?

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  • $\begingroup$ Re need more time: this answer gives you more time and space! Sounds like a perfect fit! $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 10 '16 at 23:37
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    $\begingroup$ @JDługosz I don't have one of those, and this is tagged "reality-check", but maybe God can loan me one. But it wouldn't work. Lorentz contraction is only relative to the outside observer. If we put the ark inside such a bubble, anything inside the ark would be contracted as well. There would be no net difference in capacity. If it did work now we have a new problem: 40 days and 40 nights outside the bubble become 400,000 days and 400,000 nights inside. 1100 years on the ark with 1100 years of food and water and supplies for hundreds of generations of animals. $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 11 '16 at 0:15
  • $\begingroup$ Ah, right; we want the extra time to build and outfit and the extra room for building it, but we don’t want the time once it’s time to use it! $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 11 '16 at 1:14
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    $\begingroup$ «about the two of every creature thing... genetics says no» so does Moses. Gen 7:2 «Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.» I’m bewildered how people remember this wrong—it’s like they never actually read the book. $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 11 '16 at 12:28
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    $\begingroup$ @Schwern Yep. Especially when there are about 219038 people on Facebook named "God" $\endgroup$ – RudolfJelin Oct 11 '16 at 18:53
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No, Not Remotely Possible

Let's consider a few things...

1. You Need to Buy the Boat

You can't build such a boat in a week, it's simply not possible. The Amish can build a barn in about a day, but that's a community full of Amish building a simple structure that doesn't need to be seaworthy and which can hold many fewer than two of every type of animal. And they're experts. Allowing 6 more days does not solve the significant logistic issues you would have.

2. You Can't Buy the Boat in a Week

You need a gigantic boat. Without even getting into research I'm sure you're looking for something along the size of the largest floating things we make, which would be something like an oil tanker, large cargo boat, or large aircraft carrier.

Let's cross the aircraft carrier off the list because those just aren't for sale to private parties.

The oil tanker and cargo boats both have the same issue - they're booked... for years. Those things cost a lot of money to build - not just 1 or 2 million - and what they are going to do is planned out well in advance. But you have money, so plans can change. Unfortunately for you, the average dock-hand can't simply sell you the ship - you'll need to go in front of a board of directors for the owning company to make your pitch. Getting that appointment may take you months, and the board will likely take a week or more to decide.

Once you have agreement that you can purchase your large boat though, there are those pesky regulations. Countries and port authorities need to know about the change and will ask why you need the boat. You will also need to register a place to park it.

3. Where Do You Get Your Animals in a Week?

Most people can maybe - just maybe - find a place to board their cat and dog in a few days... but you're going to amass 3,000 exotic animals in a week?

Let's say that each exotic animal requires a vet check or some paperwork at least... that's 3,000 pieces of paperwork you need to go through. Over 7 days that's 428 individual pieces of paperwork you need to negotiate/sign per day. I'm not sure where you find the time!

For that matter, where did you find the animals? Per day, you need to track down 428 individual animals and verify their sex (2 males or 2 females won't do you much). Assuming you don't need sleep, you're processing 1 animal every 3.36 minute!

4. People Will See You Loading Your Animals

Your boat is big. You need a place that can accommodate a large boat and the infrastructure needed to bring animals to it. That's a job for a commercial dock; there's no other choice. Commercial docks though are busy places full of people. They are also often controlled by a body which coordinates shipments into and out of the area, to ensure the roads and water lanes remain open. You'll be filing your plans with that group or you won't be going forward with them!

5. Food

Not all animals eat the same thing, and many eat each other! Do you think you could figure out the nutritional requirements for 1,500 species of animals in a year - let alone a week?

6. Ehhh... nuts to this

The smallest amount of consideration of this problem has shown it's not possible. There are plenty of other reasons, but it is pretty trivial to demonstrate. I'm ending here.

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  • $\begingroup$ You could get Ant Man to blow up a regular boat, or shrink the animals. $\endgroup$ – JDługosz Oct 10 '16 at 21:12
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    $\begingroup$ "Let's cross the aircraft carrier off the list because those just aren't for sale to private parties." Au contrare! The HMS Illustrious is for sale. And a Chinese investor bought an unfinished one from Ukraine for a "theme park". $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 10 '16 at 22:55
  • $\begingroup$ The entire world is about to be destroyed and you're worried about veterinary paperwork? $\endgroup$ – colmde Oct 11 '16 at 8:31
  • $\begingroup$ @colmde - I'm not, but the people who own the animals are. Zoos and people that own unusual animals tend to be pretty particular about making sure all that stuff is in order before a sale. $\endgroup$ – GrinningX Oct 11 '16 at 13:00
  • $\begingroup$ I'm sure God would give Rudolf the name of a guy who'd do it under the counter ;) $\endgroup$ – colmde Oct 11 '16 at 13:21
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Can you get your hands on a really virulent cross-species plague virus and a distribution vector? If you can exterminate most of the species on the planet before Monday, you can use a small yacht to carry two of the few that remain.

What? You're concerned about all the extinct species? Don't be. With only 2 of each species on board, those that you save will be extinct in a few years anyway. Your plague is just hastening the process in order to comply with God's wishes.

Now, if God asks you to save a breeding population of the major species, that's a larger undertaking. I don't think you can finish by Monday.

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  • $\begingroup$ Very outcome-oriented thinking. I like it! $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 11 '16 at 17:23
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One possibility you may want to look into is 3D printing. So far there are quite a few projects that are working on making safe, livable houses and mansions that are 3D printed. A few groups claim that their printers will be able to print a few story house with in a few days. With your god-given check, you could purchase a few of these, claim you are printing a few (or 100) extensions for your home. The material should be water resistant and quite durable.

A few links to look at

https://all3dp.com/biggest-3d-printers-world/

P.S. for the food, they also have a few printers for that:

https://www.naturalmachines.com/

and they have a candy printer for dessert (can't share link as this is my first post)

Good luck with your Ark, Sincerely Human w

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  • $\begingroup$ "Water resistant" means you can leave it out in the rain. It doesn't make it a boat on a world ocean. $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 11 '16 at 17:22
  • $\begingroup$ link Here is a 3d printed hull. With 3d printers, you can usually easily change properties of the print by changing the filament. $\endgroup$ – dragoneye000 Oct 11 '16 at 20:14
  • $\begingroup$ That's really cool! But it's a 10 meter hull. An ark needs to be larger than a supertanker at 300+ meters. It gets worse. Because of the cube-square law you can't just scale things up linearly. If you double the length you quadruple the weight, and quadruple the needed strength. So... 0) Using a technology still in prototyping 1) design and build the largest 3D printer in the world by a factor of 10 2) build an enormous hull shell for it to print onto 3) print the hull 4) wait for it to cure 5) hope it doesn't collapse because of the cube-square law. $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 11 '16 at 23:21
  • $\begingroup$ PS I'd remove my -1 since the 3D printed yacht thing is cool and feasible. But I can't unless you make an edit. $\endgroup$ – Schwern Oct 11 '16 at 23:22

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