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As Head of HR at a large urban bank, I have been getting a lot of flak (in the form of angry emails) from the 'Undead Defamation Society' about the fact that my company only employs a very small number of non-living staff.

I have an upcoming vacancy in my marketing division and I would like to encourage vampires to apply for this position. How can I make my recruitment process more vampire-friendly but without overtly discriminating against living candidates?

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    $\begingroup$ @MichaelKarnerfors - I'm only the Head of HR. Major business decisions aren't in the scope of my role. $\endgroup$
    – Richard
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 11:52
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    $\begingroup$ Then get one of your business developers and you two together formulate a proposal for a business decision, complete with analytics on how expanding the business hours would be a viable solution to the "problem" of accusations of positive or negative profiling, while at the same time expanding your clientele by being the first bank in the region to cater to vampire-specific needs. Hand the business proposal over to management and say "Hi, we need a decision on this please". :) $\endgroup$
    – MichaelK
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 12:08
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    $\begingroup$ How widespread are the vampires? Do they have the traditional sunlight weakness? How severe is it? How well-integrated to society are your vampires? Are you talking about Bram Stoker monsters, or Edward Cullen dreamers? What are your bank opening hours? How do you as normal human perceive vampires (i.e. do they get bad or good press?) $\endgroup$
    – subrunner
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 12:46
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    $\begingroup$ I thought bankers were already vampires? Zing! Now that's out of the way, why not simply hire people based on banking skills rather than color/shape/gender/livingness or quotas? I mean, why would you favor vampires over any other type of person if they aren't particularly good for this position? $\endgroup$
    – AmiralPatate
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 13:20
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    $\begingroup$ As no one else have suggested this, you should simply invite them in. $\endgroup$
    – P. Janowski
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 15:51

4 Answers 4

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First of all, I would think that something as shady as a bank attracts the postliving by its very nature. For the rest of the answer I'll assume that vampires etc are integrated into society and are not evil by nature.

Be sure to present your company as "postliving friendly"

  1. List benefits in the job posting that clearly apply to the postliving only. Things like flexible working hours including nights, windowless offices, cut-rate health plans with coverage tailored to your "personal condition", a darkened shuttle bus and a strict policy against smoking, drugs and religious symbols. Anniversary bonuses going up to 1,000 years are also an option, as is an "Ancient Talent Development Program".

  2. Schedule all interviews at night with the excuse that you want to get them all done at once, so that you have everyone fresh in your mind. This should scare off some of the human candidates.

  3. Adapt your interview questions. Sample questions: "Where do you see yourself in 100 years?" or "Would you be willing to donate blood for our team-building events?"

If after the interviews you still have human candidates left and none of the postliving candidates is clearly superior in either credentials or "experience", you'll just have to bite the bullet and wait for the next vacancy.

Haha, just kidding. Tell the remaining candidates that you're setting up a challenge where they can show off their marketing skills: They'll all be put in a room and must convince the other candidates to support them for the position. Whoever gets the most votes will be in (this time).

Btw, "unliving" or "non-living" are such negative terms! How about "re-living" or "non-traditionally living"? Actually, "postliving" it is!

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    $\begingroup$ It's not a hedge-fund. We can't rely on our reputation alone to attract evil bloodsuckers. $\endgroup$
    – Richard
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 13:13
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    $\begingroup$ OMG. You can't say "unliving". You'll be labelled a vitalist. $\endgroup$
    – Richard
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 13:26
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Don't discriminate on the grounds of race, sexual orientation or vital status

In many countries, there are strict laws about employment discrimination on the grounds of age, race, sexual orientation, marital status, etc etc. As Head of HR, you should be aware of these protected classes (or however they are called in your country) and how to make accommodations for these standard classes. Below are some recommendations for accommodating the living impaired.

A couple of measures you could take:

  • Hold interviews at times accessible to the non-living. Since vampires only come out after dark, be willing to hold interviews either very early in the morning or after dark. (Arguably it is easier for vampires to get to interviews when it's dark outside, this will be easier in the winter than during the summer.)
  • During interviews, focus on the applicants qualifications and ability to perform the work assigned. Questions about applicant's life/undeath status are not permitted. Interviewers will also need to assess cultural fit within the banks and the marketing team's culture. This is where it gets complicated. Socially integrating a vampire may be considerably more difficult than technologically integrating one. While the 'Undead Defamation Society' may want better representation, if introducing a vampire on a team alienates team members because they fear for their lives....it's just not going to work.
  • Alternatively, make the bank loading dock available for employee ingress/egress. Loading docks are typically covered areas with large doors to prevent access, so assuming that the vampires are able to move about during the daytime in black-out cars then they should be able to get into and out of the office without undue difficulty.
  • Make black out curtains available for the vampire's new office. If the marketing office has large windows then some reorganization of the office may be required. What measures will need to be taken will depend on the vampire's sensitivity to light.
  • Allow flexible working hours for the marketing team in general. This should accommodate the vampire's needs as well as a nice bonus for living employees with children.
  • A modern bank is unlikely to have religious iconography as decoration. Iconography worn by employees will need to be dealt with on a case by case basis. The degree to which this is a problem depends heavily on the culture of the city and the vampire's sensitivity to iconography.

As long as the presence of vampires in the workplace is not a safety or harassment issue, then the biggest hurdles will be cultural integrations.

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    $\begingroup$ '(assuming northern hemisphere)' If you think about it for a second that assumption is quite flawed. $\endgroup$
    – NPSF3000
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 16:17
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    $\begingroup$ @NPSF3000, The hemisphere comment in my answer was extraneous, so I removed it. However, longer nights always happen during the winter, regardless of what hemisphere you're in. $\endgroup$
    – Green
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 17:28
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    $\begingroup$ I glad we understand each other, great answer BTW. $\endgroup$
    – NPSF3000
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 19:06
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    $\begingroup$ @NPSF3000, Thanks :) There's a great deal of Sensitivity and Diversity Training wrapped up in that answer. $\endgroup$
    – Green
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 19:11
  • $\begingroup$ Suggest replacing "deadness" with "vital status" - this makes it sound like the official name of a federally protected class, even if no actual mandate exists guaranteeing such protection. $\endgroup$
    – Dan Henderson
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 19:32
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Just to be complete, remember that there are grounds to discriminate based on bona fide job related requirements. For example a 95 lb woman, no matter how dedicated, is unlikely to become a firefighter because applicants need to pass a physical that includes carrying heavy equipment and simulated casualties up ladders and down ladders. A person who is colour blind will be ineligible for jobs requiring the ability to see colours, and so on.

Being able to greet customers during the daylight hours, and perhaps more importantly, not killing them and drinking their blood could be considered important parts of service jobs like banking, and you as the HR director can politely explain the situation to would be undead job seekers. You are also protected to a certain extent by employment law in this regard (so long as the requirements are "bona fide" and equally applied to all job applicants), so ensure your terms and conditions of employment are clearly spelled out and are unambiguous.

I might also suggest putting garlic, white roses and silver crucifixes around all ATMs and night deposit boxes in case the Vampires decide to take this out on your customer base as well....

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    $\begingroup$ I think you read the question exactly opposite... $\endgroup$
    – Cyrus
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 13:17
  • $\begingroup$ @Cyrus Or he's simply offering an answer from a different perspective. :) $\endgroup$
    – Mason Wheeler
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 15:30
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    $\begingroup$ I like this because it's answered as one would a typical workplace.se question ;) $\endgroup$
    – Cat'r'pillar
    Commented Apr 14, 2016 at 16:48
  • $\begingroup$ well, banks also employ a large number of office workers who do not come into contact with the public $\endgroup$
    – AndreiROM
    Commented Apr 15, 2016 at 17:43
  • $\begingroup$ I think killing fellow office workers and drinking their blood might fall under workplace safety regulations and harassment laws. $\endgroup$
    – Thucydides
    Commented Apr 15, 2016 at 20:28
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You don't have to discriminante anyone, just make the job conditions more vampire-friendly :

  • We are looking for night workers.
  • Workers are not allowed to eat food or to drink water/beverages during the working hours.
  • The bank can't afford the lightning cost, so you will be working in complete darkness.
  • No sleeping allowed while working.
  • No security measures will be applied while working at night (who needs security when you're hiring vampires).
  • You will receive free blood pack coupons from the blood bank to use in need (accidents, surgeries, or other ...)
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