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Disclaimer: The following question is an in-Universe question for a wip project called "The gods of ordinariness"

My friends, I am in a spot of trouble. On my daily drive to work, I have to pass a grand total of 34 traffic lights. This of course entails a lot of waiting around and in my boredom, I tend to make up fantastical stories and characters in my head. Lately, I have been reading up on the mythology of ancient Greece and Rome, and, inspired by their slew of minor gods for all manner of things, I came up with one myself:

Enoia, the ample bosomed goddess of traffic lights (a pun regarding my annoyance at red lights and the German word for traffic lights, "Ampel")

I would say stuff like "Please turn the next light green, Enoia" when approaching an intersection and "Praise be to you Enoia!" and "Why do you hate me Enoia?" respectively depending on if my prayer came true. This was just a lighthearted way to deal with the annoyances of commuting, until today.

You see this morning, I overslept. Luckily it wasn't for a very long time, about fifteen minutes, but long enough to make it very likely for me to get to work late and get in trouble with management.

As I jumped into my car, I mumbled something along the lines of "Come on Enoia, if I get nothing but green lights on my way, I swear I'll make it up to you somehow." I didn't really mean anything by this, but surely enough, every single traffic light either was green already or jumped straight to green as I approached. In the end, not only did I manage to get to work in time, I actually arrived five minutes early. This has never happened before and statistically, the chance for every single one of these 34 traffic lights to be green must be close to zero percent.

Personally, I'd call myself agnostic, but this strange occurrence has got me a little spooked. I don't really believe that there actually was a goddess of traffic lights watching over me, but what if?

I don't want to incur her wrath by failing to uphold my promise and get nothing but red lights from now on, you know. But on the other hand, I have no clue how I can actually please her. Thankful prayers don't seem to cut it given how hit-and-miss my experience with traffic lights was before. I also don't have a clue about her other than the name I have made up for her and that she has the power to cause traffic lights to change. This leads me to my question:

What would be a good offering to Enoia, the goddess that controls traffic lights and how can I make sure she receives it?

Oh, and human sacrifice is off-limits!

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    $\begingroup$ Burn an offering of whatever it is you're smoking should work $\endgroup$
    – Kilisi
    Aug 25, 2023 at 7:21
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    $\begingroup$ Sixty bucks per light. A fine of up to 2,500 and fees of up 1,500. Here's your court date for the DUI, and a list of AA help centers. $\endgroup$
    – Mazura
    Aug 25, 2023 at 18:26
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    $\begingroup$ I shall pray to Enoia, the ample bosomed goddess of trafic lights, that she be benevolent. And I shall speak unto her the truth of how you opened my eyes to her greatness. I shall do this not out of self interest, but to repay my debt to you, for having opened my eyes. $\endgroup$ Aug 26, 2023 at 0:17
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    $\begingroup$ Does Ennoia have three ample bosoms by any chance? I have to say, this is surely one of the best actual worldbuilding queries OF ALL TIME! $\endgroup$
    – elemtilas
    Aug 26, 2023 at 13:19
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    $\begingroup$ FYI, Anoia (same derivation) is Discworld's goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers. $\endgroup$
    – OrangeDog
    Aug 26, 2023 at 21:57

10 Answers 10

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Become her champion and Stand vigilant in the dark places that have yet to see her colored lights.

Locate a pedestrian crossing in your area that lacks traffic lights and is notoriously problematic to cross safely. Impersonate the traffic lights using the means bestowed upon us mortals by Enoia herself for this very purpose:

crossing guard lady in Bournemouth from Wikipedia

The colder the weather and the denser the smog, the greater your sacrifice to Enoia becomes.

(image from crossing guard on Wikipedia)

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    $\begingroup$ This is excellent. I had thought of a sacrifice, but what better sacrifice than one's own time and devotion (and risk!)? $\endgroup$
    – Zeiss Ikon
    Aug 25, 2023 at 18:27
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    $\begingroup$ YOU SHALL NOT PASS! $\endgroup$ Aug 27, 2023 at 9:32
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Believe it or not, many ancient religions have a 'god of the crossroads': Papa Legba in Vodun, Janus in Roman mythology, Hermes in Greek mythology, Saruta-Hiko in Japan. It's an old, old idea, because crossroads are seen as transition points where one can be blocked, or robbed, or lose their way, or discover something or someone new. Your Enoia would just be a modern version of that. Typically one would place a shrine on the corner and offer flowers, food, or trinkets to earn the god's blessing. Or if you want something more proactive, one might maintain the crossroads by painting crosswalks, cleaning the traffic lights, picking up litter... One might even spread Enoia's message more broadly by extending traffic control into new areas: allowing others to pass through doorways first, saying a short prayer to Enoia before turning left in a hallway, making a mystical gesture when a lock is opened or closed....

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    $\begingroup$ I would like to add that these aren't just "ancient" (in the sense of nowadays-uncommon) religions. In Bali, for instance, offerings at crossroads are a very serious business part of Hinduism, and essentially every traffic intersection will have several religious offerings placed there every day -- and the industry making these offerings is big money! $\endgroup$ Aug 25, 2023 at 17:03
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    $\begingroup$ Greek Pan and Vedic Pushan were crossroads gods associated with goats, so a goat sacrifice might be a good place to start. Additionally, Pan is known for his lecherousness, so he might be a good model god if OP wants to continue the "ample" joke. Pan was into music and revelry, so a goat themed party at the roadside park might work. ;-) $\endgroup$
    – codeMonkey
    Aug 25, 2023 at 20:05
  • $\begingroup$ I'm pretty sure Mercury is a Roman god, not Greek. Maybe you're thinking of Hermes? $\endgroup$ Aug 25, 2023 at 20:26
  • $\begingroup$ @GentlePurpleRain: Yeah, I think you're right. Oops. I'll fix it. $\endgroup$ Aug 25, 2023 at 20:58
  • $\begingroup$ The reason why Mercury and Hermes were identified in the interpretatio graeca was their commonalities. Both were gods of travelers, which would naturally take in crossroads. (Actually Hecate/Trivia was more identified with crossroads.) $\endgroup$
    – Mary
    Aug 26, 2023 at 17:09
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Enoia, like all Gods, expect from their believers Worship

And to her, there is no greater joy than to see a devot believer respecting the red light, stopping its engine in sign of submission and loyalty to their loved Goddess.

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    $\begingroup$ Similarly, you should either, according to either side of the great orange schism, show great strength, courage and determination by passing through the gate before the orange light turns red, or by slowing down in respect of the imminent halt signal. Not moving upon the light turning green, however, is an abomination, defying the will of Enoia, and ritual shame is heaped upon you by other drivers. $\endgroup$
    – lupe
    Aug 28, 2023 at 8:48
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You've already done it

By posting here and telling us about Enoia, the ample bosomed goddess of traffic lights, you are spreading her gospel in the fastest way possible. You are also demonstrating the seriousness of your devotion by publishing this incident and showing your own humility and gratitude. Asking for help in determining how to continue expressing your devotion is also a plus, as it demonstrates further humility and gratitude.

To that end, the second best thing you can do is set up shrines at the nearest traffic lights. Make sure they reference her by name in big bold letters, so anyone who wants to know more can easily find out about her. Praise be to Enoia, the ample bosomed goddess of traffic lights!

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Prioritize pedestrians

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/montreal-traffic-lights-pedestrians-1.5363500

Montreal Mayor Valérie Plante plans to install pedestrian lights and countdown timers at every set of traffic lights in the city as part of a "paradigm change" that will put pedestrian safety ahead of traffic flow.

"What is more important: the lives of people or [for traffic] to be more fluid, in a way that it goes faster?" Plante asked Monday.

"For me, as mayor, the choice is obvious. It will always be security."

The plan, which Plante said will take five to eight years to complete, will see pedestrian signals installed at all intersections, countdown timers added to all pedestrian signals, and the time available to cross increased to accommodate "the most vulnerable road users," such as children and elderly people.

Valérie Plante is clearly a worshiper of Enoia. They seek to build more temples for people to worship Enoia, with the make believe cause of pedestrians and children used to inspire people.

Go to your local city hall and argue you need a city with more support for children, the elderly, the disabled. Argue you need more traffic lights to protect the public. You'll need excuses, because few prioritize her worship, but with those excuses you can help support her ascendance to greater godhood and increased worship.

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  • $\begingroup$ Done for you now $\endgroup$
    – Nepene Nep
    Aug 28, 2023 at 16:00
  • $\begingroup$ Hah! Turns out I didn't get what you meant, but now I do. :) Good edit. $\endgroup$ Aug 28, 2023 at 20:20
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Become a priest

Decorate your vehicle with flashing lights. When you draw near switch on the lights. A siren is an optional extra. This will warn other road users of your superior status.

You will be allowed passage.

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Install traffic lights in new places. You may also need to add tithe booths to cover your expenses.

  • Hallway intersections at work or school
  • Unlighted road intersections
  • Busy parking lots
  • Drive thru restaurants or banks
  • Race tracks (vehicular, pedestrian, or animal)
  • Park trails
  • Airport bathrooms
  • Roller coasters
  • Car washes
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  1. When in doubt go old fashion. Offer blood, rames are hard to come by so I would advise pigeon blood.

  2. Burn cash, this will hurt but all the more to show your gratitude.

Eddit 3. After reading the comments I'm convinced that a third offering will be required. Even in modern religions liquids are poured out as a form of offering.

I recommend this approach for your 3 offering. As for what liquid alchohol is traditional but give the nature of your goddess I recommend gasoline or some other oil.

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    $\begingroup$ Well that covers red and green. Throw an amber offering in the middle and you might be getting somewhere... $\endgroup$
    – Ty Hayes
    Aug 26, 2023 at 0:17
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    $\begingroup$ Added yellow now the trinity is complete $\endgroup$ Aug 26, 2023 at 8:30
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Confront the infidels: If you see people jaywalking, honk your horn. Or admonish them, after all children might see them and take them as their role model (if you are in Germany, you probably know how serious that is).

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Dress yourself in Her colours: red, yellow, green. For a particularly devout outfit, make sure it's a red hat, yellow shirt, green pants. You can also paint your hands orange if you're going to be doing any ceremonies.

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