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Yesterday I closed a deal with a man who claims to be from Haiti, I've successfully bought 5 zombies from him. According to his posting on eBay, the specs are as follows:

  1. The 5 zombies belong to a quintuplet.
  2. Carbon dating suggests they have been dead for a decade.
  3. All of them appear to be middle aged males of unknown race.
  4. No pulse, no blood circulation and they are cold-blooded (someone forgot to drain properly!).
  5. They are very obedient and only follow orders from a master who happens to be me.
  6. They don't need to breathe, eat, drink, or sleep.
  7. They have body odour and are quite pungent.
  8. They must be allowed to do at least 1 minute of jumping jacks every hour otherwise their body will crumble and fall apart (irreversible).

I'm hatching an evil scheme which will be revealed in due time, for now how can I have my packages delivered to my house intact? (This is not a spam, the entire transaction is legit and btw I live in Washington D.C.)

Item 8 is quite counter-intuitive but according to the man he mentioned about a Haitian's ritual and something about brewing "black-medicine", a unique solution that is needed to animate the deceased else the body would rot. The mind must kept active that's why it is recommended that they do jumping Jack on their own accords (actually this is preprogrammed before I got them second-hand).

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    $\begingroup$ Your biggest problem would be the jumping jacks every hour. Everything else could be fixed, including the pungent odor. Unless there's a zombie delivery service in this world, it isn't possible without bringing it yourself or with a very good friend. $\endgroup$
    – Neil
    Aug 25, 2015 at 9:39
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    $\begingroup$ can they do their jumping jacks in a fluid? How about suspended in the air? is it the flailing their arms and legs around to loosen up that's important or is it really important that they be exactly jumping jacks? $\endgroup$
    – Murphy
    Aug 25, 2015 at 10:13
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    $\begingroup$ @Murphy oh wait they don't need to to jumping Jack exactly as long as the fluids circulates to keep the body in good condition any workout is fine. $\endgroup$
    – user6760
    Aug 25, 2015 at 10:23
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    $\begingroup$ Put them in a van, and carry the appropriate paperwork for them. Present the paperwork at the border saying that the apparent people are in fact zombies. Its a violation of eBay's ToS to sell goods to a buyer in a place where they are illegal, so the zombies must be legitimate goods. $\endgroup$
    – Monty Wild ♦
    Aug 26, 2015 at 0:06
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    $\begingroup$ @DavidGrinberg: this article might help $\endgroup$
    – user6760
    Aug 26, 2015 at 3:39

5 Answers 5

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Easy. Tell them to swim from Haiti to a beach on Elliot Key in Florida. Rent a boat and wait for them to walk on shore.

You would want to equip them with a suit to help protect them from the water, and shark repellent to keep predators away.

It's a swim of 580 miles, and with currents and winds they could get lost, so equip them with waterproof GPS watches with waypoints (Like this one) and tell them to follow it to 25.404655, -80.214206

If you also tag them with the kind of tracking devices they use for sharks then you'll know what kind of progress they are making and when to go meet them.

Alternately, put them in a shark cage, and just tow them under water behind your yacht from Haiti to where ever. You may have to work out the stuff to deal with customs, but that doesn't sound all that hard if you prepare ahead of time. Worse comes to worst, you drop the cage to the bottom a little out of the harbor, do the customs thing, and a day later sail out and pick it up. You could put a radio controlled winch and buoy on it to make pick up easier.

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  • $\begingroup$ I like the drop off & pickup later idea, though surely it can't be that easy. $\endgroup$
    – xdhmoore
    Aug 25, 2015 at 22:19
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    $\begingroup$ @xdhmoore Drug runners sometimes do it. $\endgroup$
    – Loren Pechtel
    Aug 26, 2015 at 0:49
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    $\begingroup$ Better ! They walk on the ground of the ocean in a giant ballasted hamster ball $\endgroup$
    – Rigop
    Aug 29, 2016 at 13:04
  • $\begingroup$ Soviet era zombie submarine would work just as well as drug traffickers in submarines. $\endgroup$
    – Skye
    Aug 29, 2016 at 13:17
  • $\begingroup$ @Rigop It's possible, but any kind of obstruction on the sea floor would potentially be able to stop them. It would stink if the hamster ball rolled into a trench, and now its really deep and hard to retrieve. if you look at a satellite map of the ocean between Haiti and Florida you'll see that it's pretty bumpy, and the current would probably push a ball more than walking or swimming. A water tight suit with a weight belt so they can walk might work... $\endgroup$
    – AndyD273
    Aug 29, 2016 at 15:53
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Ok, I'm going to assume you have reasonably significant resources, enough to rent some trucks, perhaps a reasonably big boat etc and that you can spend some money on setting up the cover. I'm assuming these zombies are valuable to you.

So, we need to deal with the smell but they don't need to breath, they just need to be able to move about. Most border controls would be looking for human migrants who do need to breath.

So you come up with a pretext of buying some chemicals or liquids from a Haiti company. You make sure all the paperwork is impeccable with all import taxes paid and make sure that it can be easily verified that the tank actually contains the liquid the paperwork says it does (say by dispensing some).

You pad the bottom so that their feet don't make sound, put your zombies in ,weld it all up and fill the tank with the liquid. Anything which doesn't dissolve flesh works. they can spend the trip doing underwater(liquid anyway) calisthenics.

Tank of zombies

At the far end you drain the liquid and cut the container open.

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  • $\begingroup$ Is it really necessary? It's a well thought out plan. $\endgroup$
    – user6760
    Aug 25, 2015 at 10:48
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    $\begingroup$ "Most border controls would be looking for human migrants who do need to breath." Not necessarily. If zombies can be sold on eBay then it must be out in the open that they exist and are therefore a real threat to border security! (Esp. for containers coming from Haiti) $\endgroup$
    – komodosp
    Aug 25, 2015 at 11:31
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    $\begingroup$ I would like to point out that border security has reason to inspect containers. $\endgroup$
    – Frostfyre
    Aug 25, 2015 at 12:31
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    $\begingroup$ If you can put 200 kgs of zombies in that container you can also put 200 kgs of drugs, and I can tell you that border agents will be looking for that. And since a container with zombies and a container with drugs will have neither air holes nor hidden entries nor hollow zones, more sofisticated techniques will be used if they suspect anything from the container (watched some reality show of airport cops drilling into engine parts in search of drug). $\endgroup$
    – SJuan76
    Aug 25, 2015 at 17:25
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    $\begingroup$ It would get x-rayed, and the presence of moving human skeletons would be a bit of a giveaway. $\endgroup$
    – Monty Wild ♦
    Aug 26, 2015 at 0:00
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Just pack them in coffins and ship them same as other dead people. This kind of shipment happens all the time and can be done using air freight. One stop flights through Atlanta to Dulles take about 6.5 hours. Suspicions at the border should be easy to placate especially if you open the coffins and the contents are clearly human remains. Depending on import procedures, you may not even need to open the coffins.

Regarding the physical movement requirement, OP says that

...they don't need to to jumping Jack exactly as long as the fluids circulates to keep the body in good condition any workout is fine.

Coffins are already heavy so adding in a fluid circulation system shouldn't be difficult to avoid the physical activity requirement. Further, the zombies can be ordered to flex all their muscles while they are in the coffins, to make doubly sure.

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    $\begingroup$ If anyone asks what they are, just tell them the truth. $\endgroup$
    – xdhmoore
    Aug 25, 2015 at 22:18
  • $\begingroup$ @xdhmoore exactly! $\endgroup$
    – Green
    Aug 26, 2015 at 12:23
  • $\begingroup$ And if some one forces you to open the coffin, how do you explain the fluid circulation system augmented to the dead body? $\endgroup$
    – Zaibis
    Aug 26, 2015 at 12:37
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    $\begingroup$ Say it's a preservation fluid and support system. No customs officer will know enough chemistry to countermand that and even if they do, use a real embalming fluid like formaldehyde. As long as the zombies don't move during inspection you should be okay. $\endgroup$
    – Green
    Aug 26, 2015 at 12:40
  • $\begingroup$ re the exercise problem: ensure the coffins are stacked on the top (by adding a decorative/slightly fragile ornament to the lids), set the coffins to be openable from the inside (ie catches rather than nailed down - explainable by fears of being buried alive) and then the zombie can exit the coffins to do their exercise during flight and return to the coffins afterwards. You just need to collect and whisk them away immediately the plane lands! $\endgroup$
    – gbjbaanb
    Aug 26, 2015 at 15:25
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I was thinking the swim idea too, but maybe a boat from Haiti to the Chesapeake Bay, the zombies then only need to swim up (or walk with weighted boots) the Potomac and you can pick them up in Alexandria with a cargo van. The boat would save you a bunch of time, and a fishing boat with a bad refrigeration unit could cover the bad smell.

Just, please, keep them away from my grandmother who lives on Mason Neck.

Sharks do not eat carrion, and no heartbeat means nothing for the shark's electroreception, so there is no reason they would bother your zombies.

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    $\begingroup$ keep them away from my grandmother Why? What would your grandmother do to the poor zombies? $\endgroup$
    – SJuan76
    Aug 25, 2015 at 17:19
  • $\begingroup$ I mention the shark repellent because sometimes sharks will get confused by things because they think they are seals or whatever. The carrion thing may be enough. Actually, as I think about it, smaller fish might be a bigger problem, but if they keep swimming the motion may be enough to scare them away, and the suits will help too. $\endgroup$
    – AndyD273
    Aug 25, 2015 at 17:40
  • $\begingroup$ Agree with the boat -> swim plan. Also, if navigation is a problem why not command their movements live via radio, complete with video feed while they do the swim? They could do the swim one at a time so you could guide one at a time. $\endgroup$
    – xdhmoore
    Aug 25, 2015 at 22:19
  • $\begingroup$ Actually, sharks do eat carrion. They have really good senses of smell too. $\endgroup$
    – Monty Wild ♦
    Aug 26, 2015 at 0:01
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    $\begingroup$ This won't work. You can tell the zombies to walk from Haiti to the Chesapeake Bay but are they going to get there? No chance--GPS doesn't work underwater and they're too stupid to use it anyway. Nobody has maps detailed enough to allow even smart zombies to find their way there by map reading. $\endgroup$
    – Loren Pechtel
    Aug 26, 2015 at 0:52
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You did ask about delivery rather than transportation. But any delivery option runs the risk of interception by border protection. See the earlier answers for good ideas.

I see two options for transport depending on your budget.

If your zombies have passports this becomes really simple.

  1. Expensive and quick = Charter aircraft. 4-8 hours round trip Miami - Port-au-Prince. You'll need to find a relatively remote airstrip on US soil. Pack 5 coffins and list the cargo as repatriation of dead bodies to Haiti. The repatriation will fail in Haiti and you're turned back to point of origin. You'll need to sort your documentation out for that. Fly your zombies back to the states and have them enter the coffins before landing. If you get stopped or the coffins get impounded your zombies expire like bad fruit.

  2. A bit cheaper and a lot safer. Charter boat. Take a boat to Port-au-Prince load up as crew and sail back. Jumping jacks every hour like they were in HM Navy. They "jump ship" in the US and become 5 of the "illegals" Trump will sort out come November (January actually).

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  • $\begingroup$ Didn't notice this was a question from last year. :( $\endgroup$
    – paulzag
    Aug 29, 2016 at 11:04

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