43
$\begingroup$

Let's imagine an alien life form attacking Earth.

Their technology and their number do not overtake very much human ones, but they have a very powerful weapon: when a human looks right at one of them, he/she finds it so cute that he/she loses their anger and will to fight, even if there is a weapon pointed on himself/herself.
Even when it goes out of the field of view, a memory is left of it and the human remembers it like a good, friendly and harmless creature, and won't wish to try to fight it except for very personal reasons. (If a friend of him/her was killed during a fight, he/she will still want to fight back.) This feeling never wears off by itself, but psychological counseling may help to wear it off, like a regular mental trouble.

They use this weapon in close combat, because doing so nobody can shoot at them directly, and as a tool before invasion too, by filling the human world with photos and videos of them as much as possible via long-range broadcasting, mainly through the Internet.

So now let's suppose the invasion plan already started. The first step of the attack plan, which is to broadcast photos and videos of them through the civilization to reduce potential human aggression to their assault, has already started. But there is still some weeks before the full attack, and a scientist group discovered the truth. Unfortunately, almost 100% of the human population already watched images of those aliens and started to feel tenderness for them.

How can they prepare the world for the final attack, weapons or defense systems for a creature that they must never watch?
(I'm looking only for specific methods against their special weapon.)
Keep in mind it is probable they will display pictures of them on huge screens, paint it on any tank or vehicle, and display as many images as possible of them in every battle to try to affect as many human soldiers as possible.
Even a look through a screen or a picture can affect a human, but it is still less efficient than a direct look on an alien itself.
Of course, this power doesn't affect machines.

Almost any other feature of the aliens (technology, military strategy level, care for casualties, etc) are similar to humans, to be simple.

EDIT:

I'm not looking for a complete defense plan, just a special weapon/tactic that could be used against this precise opponent and its special weapon, in order to not be too broad.

Improve this question
$\endgroup$
7
  • 4
    $\begingroup$ see this article on cute babies for inspiration or rather motivation. $\endgroup$
    – user6760
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 13:59
  • $\begingroup$ If you use a mind attack I will have no qualms retaliating with a biological agent. $\endgroup$
    – Joshua
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 22:26
  • 4
    $\begingroup$ With a clever scheme like this, why would an attack still be necessary? Cats as we know them are already pretty good at 'social engineering' us - with the intelligence you describe they would lure us into taking care of all their needs. So if a defense plan is required, it would be against their social engineering skills, not a physical attack. $\endgroup$
    – user3106
    Commented Jan 14, 2016 at 14:17
  • 2
    $\begingroup$ Just surrender to your furry overlords. $\endgroup$
    – Oldcat
    Commented Jan 15, 2016 at 0:36
  • 5
    $\begingroup$ Wait, you're saying this hasn't already happened? We can discuss further shortly, I've got to go put some fresh salmon fillet down and fluff this pillow next to the heater. $\endgroup$
    – Jon Story
    Commented Jan 15, 2016 at 11:59

13 Answers 13

Reset to default
43
$\begingroup$

We will use the Realtime Overlay Virtual Environment Remaster (ROVER).

ROVER is a helmet that obscures the wearer's entire head. Using cameras, it provides them with substituted, augmented vision and virtual reality overlays.

The main component that makes it useful in this fight is that all images of kittens will be detected and replaced in realtime. This is customizable depending on the user - default options include Furbies, Spiders, Snakes and a cutout of Justin Bieber's face.

Unfortunately due to computational complexities ROVER is not 100% effective, but it does allow most combat troops to engage in face-to-face combat with the enemy.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
3
  • $\begingroup$ logiclounge.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/bieberly-241x300.png $\endgroup$
    – Murphy
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 15:06
  • 17
    $\begingroup$ Replacing the kittens by Justin Bieber seems to be a supereffective way to combat them, billions of people would be eagerly and fearlessly join the massacre against the invasors just for the fun of killing Justin Biebers ensuring victory for the human race. The few ones that actually likes Justin Biebers would need to choose if they want to be locked in some psychiatric institution or just be left to die. $\endgroup$
    – Victor Stafusa
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 20:30
  • 3
    $\begingroup$ I like this answer, but I am worried about false-positives. "Oh my God, soldier, you just shot POTUS! It was the ROVER,sir. It showed me Justin Bieber. Huh, guess it must've been the huge ears." $\endgroup$
    – cobaltduck
    Commented Jan 14, 2016 at 13:21
42
$\begingroup$

"Sir, we've identified a class 1 memetic attack, effective in combat, transmitted line of sight"

Drones, we're going to need lots and lots of drones.

Long range weapons. Artillery crews who can kill from 10 miles away.

Fire and forget missiles.

High altitude bombers.

ICBM's launched from hundreds of miles away.

Land mines. So many land mines.

Do these creatures care for their own fallen or injured? If yes then remember there are no rules of war here so expect liberal use of some equivalent of castration mines.

Nuclear, chemical and biological warfare.

After all, if you can't see the enemy through the clouds of mustard gas and nerve agents they can't affect you.

Does their power work if their skin is melted off?

From your troops you're going to want to select the minority of psychopaths who can find something adorable and lovable and still murder it with a smile because they know they get a generous bounty for every kitten-scalp they bring in.

For soldiers, once the threat is known they might want to use some kind of AI system like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGfT5l9zPwI

in smart goggles to block direct view of the creatures. "Just shoot at the center of the black circle soldier."

A few decades ago such an attack could have hit the civilian population easily but with everything moving to the internet there's not really the same kind of broadcasts, they'd have to have hard connections to the internet to do much which is tough to do before they're in orbit.

Edit: I neglected the civilian side, we're going to need some reeducation centers for civilians and military personnel who've been affected and inquisitors to root out the affected. After all, we can't have sympathizers potentially in command of any of the weapons systems or spreading the hostile memes.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
8
  • 4
    $\begingroup$ I think they may have affected me already - you really went all out and I feel kind of bad for them. $\endgroup$
    – DoubleDouble
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 15:10
  • 10
    $\begingroup$ @DoubleDouble Ah yes, I neglected the civilian side, we're going to need some reeducation centers for civilians and military personnel who've been affected and inquisitors to root out the affected. Now, come with us citizen. $\endgroup$
    – Murphy
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 15:16
  • 8
    $\begingroup$ Mustard gas? Nerve agents? You're thinking too much like a human. What we need are catnip bombs! $\endgroup$
    – Mason Wheeler
    Commented Aug 14, 2015 at 17:24
  • 2
    $\begingroup$ The internet may be the perfect infection vector, actually: consider how many cute kitten photos get shared already. They just need to get one or two onto a social network and let memetics do its thing. $\endgroup$
    – evankh
    Commented Aug 15, 2015 at 2:10
  • 1
    $\begingroup$ Damn kitties, that's what they've been doing in youtube all these years? $\endgroup$
    – raven
    Commented Aug 16, 2015 at 8:09
25
$\begingroup$

Dogs of war!

Train large numbers of dogs to fight. Send them on ahead. They will be completely immune to the cuteness factor of the kitties.

enter image description here

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
14
$\begingroup$

In WWII, barrage balloons were used to defend against raiding planes. Those balloons could be re-purposed and outfitted with spools that dangle string or wool. Our alien invasion would be unable to resist dangling string and the entire force would be quickly immobilized.

enter image description here

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
12
$\begingroup$

We've already been prepping for this. When they arive, they will be greeted with hundreds of cat fans trying to make the cats do cute things. After being forced to ride a Vroomba in a shark suit one too many times, the aliens will decide this planet really isn't worth the humiliation.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
4
$\begingroup$

Laser Pointers

Your enemy will chase the laser dots, letting you lead them into contained spaces. The Grand Canyon, for example. Once you've led the enemy into your trap bring out the...

canned tuna

Drop large quantities of canned tuna. But don't send enough tuna to feed them all. Send enough to feed about 20% of the enemy. This will cause them to fight each other for the food. Once they've reduced their own numbers to something more manageable through internal fighting, drop the...

Catnip bombs

Air-drop catnip in large quantities. This will calm your remaining enemies. It will sooth their rage over the laser dots, the lack of food, and the grief of internal fighting. Now that they are calm spray them with...

Black and white paint

Carpet-bomb them with black paint. Then use drones to air-brush white stripes on each enemy being. After this, you will find their cuteness attack no longer works. At this stage, you can begin sending in the ground troops.

enter image description here

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
3
$\begingroup$

Fight a meme with a meme.
Since these aliens hold no power over you if you have a personal reason to fight them, then record (or create) images of these aliens destroying the things we love and flood the tubes with them. Every social network page should have an image of a cute alien doing something unspeakable.

The new horrific images will drown out the old cute images and balance out the cuteness, if not reverse it all together.

Once everyone on earth is inoculated against the cuteness, fight the aliens. Once the aliens are defeated, find some eye bleach to remove the horrific images.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
3
$\begingroup$

From the soldiers drilling manual:

"I do not shoot this cute little kitty! I just shoot into a small point on his/her forehead!" - repeat these words 100k times to imprint them into your mind.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
1
  • 1
    $\begingroup$ "Guns don't kill people. Internal hemorrhaging kills people!" $\endgroup$
    – Cort Ammon
    Commented Jul 5, 2017 at 18:17
2
$\begingroup$

Just use giant robots from Japan. You put yourself into one of those and watch a screen that creates 3D images of your surroundings based on a camera that films the outside. The 3D objects won't be very accurate but it's enough to understand where the kitties are and they are going to have 3D model different from a cat of course. To place the 3D objects at the right distance the robot can use ultrasound.

In the case the kitties use something to cover themselves, well, they'd be killed by ordinary soldiers.

Their only chances of winning would be by using a machine that can counteract the japanese robots destroying them, taking control of them or knocking out the ultrasound or 3D mapping devices they carry.

Humans win as long as kitties aren't more intelligent than them.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
2
$\begingroup$

Since you find them so cute, you may want to prank them with cucumbers.

They will either succumb from heart failure or decide to go back to their planet, because they have had it with these funny humans.

For those unaware of this internet meme: cats seem to be afraid of them:

Why Are Cats So Insanely Afraid Of Cucumbers? (ILFScience 16 nov 2015):

A new internet craze involving our feline companions has unveiled another piece of strange information: For some utterly bizarre reason, they appear to be terrified – utterly terrified – of cucumbers.
In the vast majority of the videos, cat owners are seen sneaking up behind their pets as they’re facing the other way – mostly eating – and placing the green, elongated vegetable behind them. As the cat turns around and spots the unexpected item, it loses its mind, leaps into the air, and gets away from it as fast as it can. In some videos, the cats then engage in a stare down with the cucumber, waiting in vain for it to make its first move.

Cats Scared By Cucumbers: Knowing the Facts Behind the Viral Phenomenon (PetMD, 24 nov 2015):

"I wonder how many cats were videotaped before concluding that this is a phenomenon? For example, out of hundreds of cats that have likely now been subjected to this experiment, how many actually had this reaction? Perhaps only a small percentage," she says. "Just as unusual phobias exist amongst people, this subset of cats may fit that bill, or they were simply startled by the sudden appearance of the object."

Youtube videos illustrating the cat behavior:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNycdfFEgBc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST4KPDKatTA

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
0
1
$\begingroup$

Have the great mind that haven't seen them yet create software to change the appearance of the cats. This could be done to be used in remote situations such as drones, controlling them from a far, safe place, or with a helmet. It basically makes them look different. Use prisoners with enough trust to fight against the cat army because they won't know what they're fighting with the helmets. Just say they're going to destroy earth. You can also use any prisoners to test the technology. The creators of the technology asking the prisoners what they see. Problem solved.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
1
$\begingroup$

Start a propaganda campaign, where you 'unmask' the cute kitties to reveal the snarling, evil, hate-filled 'reality' underneath. Of course, this doesn't have to be true to be effective. Fear is much more powerful of an emotion than cute.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
1
  • $\begingroup$ "The bigger a lie, the easier is to believe". $\endgroup$
    – Ender Look
    Commented Jul 5, 2017 at 19:09
1
$\begingroup$

Bring on the regiment of cat-lovers!

(Came back to this years later - don't know why!)

Recruit online wherever kitty pics are shown. Convince the respondents that we are being invaded by cat orphans that desperately need homes. Offer to provide everyone with a month's supply of delicious cat food and everything else needed.

Set them loose on the battlefield. They will rush to pick up and cradle the 'cute kitties' in their arms and take them home immediately.

The kitten army will thus be dispersed. When they reach their new homes the conditions will be so good, they'll forget about invading by force and just settle in.

Note: Neutering will come as a nasty shock but they won't expect it and afterwards it's too late.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$

You must log in to answer this question.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .