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Okay, so humanity has been orbiting black holes so that we can time dilate, and explore the galaxy. The black holes enjoy being in the presence of the most complex things in the universe, and we have mutual respect. Some time later, humanity starts using the black holes as trash cans spewing our waste into them. Dissident starts growing among the black holes, although the humans do not notice.

Unexpectedly, a small faction of the black holes decide to grow some hair. They gain sentience. Here is their abilities:

  • They can now increase the amount of hawking radiation they emit. This still drains them though. They also can not decrease it below normal levels, so if they get too small, they would be in great danger.
  • They also can control the direction of their hawking radiation, being means of propulsion.
  • They sense the gravitational influence of all objects around them. A typical black hole would be able to detect how many bodies as large as the ISS are in the solar system if it where near the center. Since it is based on acceleration, a smaller black hole would be much more sensitive. They also automatically detect anything passing their event horizon.
  • They have developed a language based on the above.
  • They average intelligence is that of a human, as well as the variation in intelligence. They are also emotionally like humans.
  • Micro black holes are more suicidal, since they have shorter life spans and are appalled by the fact humans made them.

And they are MAD. They have blasted many humans out of orbit and into them with blasts of hawking radiation. Smaller black holes inside are engines have explode. Now the black holes are going to attack Sector 001: Earth.

  • What can we do to defend Earth from the black holes?
  • How do we arrest these black holes?
  • What Judicial precedents apply for trying the black holes in court?
  • In the long term, how will we mend human-black Hole relations, based on human-human relations in history, when one group of humans disrespected another.

Some other things to note:

  • Most of the black holes are still loyal to humans, and find the actions of the terrorist black holes extreme. Note:
  • Black holes that haven't turned on us do not grow hair, and stay as they have been.
  • Unfortunately, communication with loyal black holes is one way. Luckily, they have learned human languages, from our wireless communications (which they enjoy. There is nothing that a Black Hole doesn't love more than a rerun of "I Love Lucy.")
  • Humans had no idea any of this was possible up to this point.

Humanity needs your help. What do we do?

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closed as primarily opinion-based by HDE 226868, Green, Aify, JDługosz, Frostfyre Aug 9 '15 at 12:48

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    $\begingroup$ I once read a (free) space opera that involved the MC zipping around between "galaxies", each of which had one star and between 4-5 planets (The Milky Way was a "big" galaxy with 6). That story is now the second most implausible thing I've ever read. $\endgroup$ – Dan Smolinske Jul 30 '15 at 22:58
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    $\begingroup$ Maybe it would be more plausible to say the artificially created black holes open to an alternate dimension and beings there have taken control of them as avatars. Also there could be dinosaurs. $\endgroup$ – Samuel Jul 30 '15 at 23:21
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    $\begingroup$ Maybe we could create some white holes and force those long-haired, hippy black holes to put on some pants. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_hole $\endgroup$ – Epsilon Jul 31 '15 at 0:00
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    $\begingroup$ are you mistaking the term singularity? $\endgroup$ – user6760 Jul 31 '15 at 0:19
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    $\begingroup$ Come on people. This isn't as bad as, say, star trek. $\endgroup$ – PyRulez Jul 31 '15 at 1:27
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So this one is pretty much hopeless. If you read anything about planetoids, you know we can't protect ourselves against them. If you read anything about stars, they basically boss planetoids around without more than the slightest wobble. Black holes boss stars around.

Our best hope is to beg forgiveness. I don't know what we can do, but it is certainly going to involve lots of groveling, because they have 100% control of the situation, and if we are really really really optimistic, we can claim we have 0.00000001% of the control.

What can we do to defend Earth from the black holes?
How do we arrest these black holes?
What Judicial precedents apply for trying the black holes in court?
In the long term, how will we mend human-black Hole relations, based on human-human relations in history, when one group of humans disrespected another.

Nothing. We do not defend Earth from black holes, because it is simply not realistic. We do not arrest black holes or have judicial precidences for the same reason we do not arrest solar flares... they're bigger than our entire judicial system. As for mending things... grovel. Admit our place, which is really no place at all, and hope that it is worth their time to even hear our groveling. It might not even be a concern anymore.

For a sense of how big these black holes are, I will point out that they are within a few orders of magnitude of a supernova. Here's XKCD's thoughts on how big a supernova is.

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Simple. We need to ask sentient Galaxies to arbitrate over us all.

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  • 2
    $\begingroup$ The question migth be downvoted, but we still expect answers that are more than just one line. Can you detail a bit? $\endgroup$ – bilbo_pingouin Jul 31 '15 at 6:53
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    $\begingroup$ Seems legit. I think a one-liner fits this kind of question. $\endgroup$ – PyRulez Jul 31 '15 at 12:59
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    $\begingroup$ I think there was a hint of sarcasm there, this could have attributed to it being short. $\endgroup$ – Benjamin Goodacre Sep 29 '15 at 10:16

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