What a Weird World!!
Sad but true, zombie infections are on the rise, and people need to protect themselves. A fact that has not been lost by the industrious engineers at Bespore & Werlt, LLC. In fact, marketing research indicates that people are willing to pay an arm and a leg for the opportunity to live a little longer in this veil of tears!
Working with a variety of NGOs such as EAT-MI! (Easy Amputation Techniques for the Mitigation of Infection), ZaMBOnNY (Zombie Mitigation Bureau of Ontario & New York) and also federal level bureaux such as NAZI (National Anti-Zombie Institute), B&W-LLC have developped an inexpensive yet durable tool kit that will allow any citizen to lop a limb with minimal discomfort and maximal chance of survival until they can reach a local aid facility.
Research indicates that more than 75% of all zombie infections are incurred by poor self-protection practices by an individual: touching an infected object with bare hands, stepping on or brushing past an infected object with bare feet or legs.
But these things happen, and B&W-LLC are here to help! Our tool kit is lightweight and chock full of only what an individual will need to survive the critical first five minutes after knowledge of infection. Our lightweight BZK-I (Basic Zombie Kit) is available free through a variety of private & public grants to any citizen in need of a kit. The Kit comes in a utilitarian plastic case and includes the following:
- One standard sealed battery mini-dremel type motor housing. Anyone familiar with this time-honoured household tool can easily operate the components of the kit.
- Antiseptic wipes
- A pre-selected variety of analgesic auto-injection bands (50/50 Lidocaine-Bupivicaine mini-ampoules with 32G NoPaine! needles, the larger sized bands including 3 mini-ampoules of Minidose-EPI, premarked for IV jab infiltration)
- A pre-selected assortment of auto-zip tourniquets
- A pre-selected range of Lop-em-kwicK! gigle saw wires, carefully engineered for a rapid, clean cut of the affected part
- Three pouches of sterile starch-based hemostat (gauze format)
- One emergency clock-work motor
The components of the BZK kit weigh in at less than five kilos, case included, so nearly anyone can carry and protect themselves from Terminal Zombie Infection!
An easy to interpret, step-by-step quick-start guide is printed on the inside cover; and all components of the kit are labeled for easy identification. In addition, B&W-LLC can send a highly trained, multilingual training team to your location, be it school or workhouse or civic center to offer BAZIC -- our Basic Anti-Zombie Instructional Course at no cost to the public!
Other, more advanced or more comprehensive kits, such as our BZK-III and SHAZAM (Shoulder-pack Anti-Zombie Amputation Module) are designed for groups and for focus-trained EMT personnel. These kits are obtainable at a subsidised cost to work sites, first responder corps, paramilitary groups, militias and the like.
Since no such kit actually exists in the real world, some things may need additional explanation.
- A dremel tool is a hand-held multi-function tool that can be used to saw, drill, sand or carve a variety of materials.
- The medications listed are already in common use in surgery for pain relief and reduction of bleeding (lido-bupiv is a short-long term analgesic; epi is included in this kind of crazy emergency kit because a little bit gets your body jacked up for the survival race --- it's an adrenalin rush that will (hopefully) dull your sense of pain and allow you to fight through the procedure itself and run to the nearest aid facility; starch hemostats are in common use in surgery and in field medicine, just pack it onto the bleeding stump and haul ass to the nearest aid facility).
- The medication "bands" are operated by the tool's motor. The medication band is looped over the limb to be cut: the med band is placed, tightened sufficiently to break the enclosed ampoules and deliver the meds -- basically a quick and dirty nerve block -- and then automatically release after five seconds.
- The tourniquets are basically medical grade removable zip ties. You want the tourniquet to remain on to prevent bleeding; but the aid facility staff will want to be able to remove it!
- A gigli saw is a hand-operated wire saw that can cut through a leg in about 20 seconds. The kit houses an assortment of snap-on gigli components that can handle small finger amputations up to below the knee amputations. The kit is NOT recommended for above the knee amputation, due to higher risk of major bleeding.
- Larger and more advanced field kits start looking more like standard military issue field surgery kits with assortments of knives (small #10 & #20 scalpel blades as well as larger skin-graft type blades). These kits aren't generally intended for solo use. The solo kits are designed to be 100% disposable. Lop and Drop!
- STANDARD CAVEATS: This is nòt surgery, folks! This is a Lop, Drop & Run emergency self-actuated first aid procedure. You do not need 5 years of limb salvage surgery residency to accomplish this. You just need the will to forge ahead and do it. The alternative appears to be half a day of agonising auto-digestive torment until you die.