My respected rival!
Let me send you a word of warning about those unscrupulous liches from AWE (Artifical Womb Enterprices), who are trying to squeeze last hard-earned bloody dolar from us, so tirelessly working for humble title The Dark Ruler of Earth and Everything.
I am sure, that you had seen their contract and read also the punny small print, where they reject responsibility for unlawfull use of their machines. And that their representative laught-off those few crates of empty paper, as something, that "they just traditionally gave to each custommer, har-har" - well, those empty papers in fact contains everything, which is "not explicitely written in the contract so not part of contract" but you would expect to be automatically part of it. And trust me, that they are dimensioned to really really small prints.
I commanded the first batch of henchmen to be given all the base military knowledge (in addidion to obligatory loyality, obediency and willingness to die) and waited to overthrown some small island with them for starter. So after they was "cooked" and took out of the wombs, I also commanded to fit them with jungle cammo suits, basic weapons and proviant, to lose no time before I will send them on first mission. And waited until they woke up, to command them to conquer. So I had seen, that they may have knowledge, how to march, but they lack a skill and training to even walk. Still they tried to do so, until one of them managed to fall from a bed.
This made unexpected sound (while unit was mainly laying beds). Which was under military doctrine decoded as enemy attack and so they concluded to open fire on attackers. Bad thing was, they also lacked skill to use the guns, but they tryied hard.
Soon enought some discovered how to press trigger. Well, the discovery came sooner, then discovery how to hold the riffle, so it resulted to uncoordinated mass shooting to all directions, where the riffles was actually pointed, as well as many dislocations of wrists, limbs and eyes of those shooters. Others got the grip on shooting by this example and soon nearly every one of them was shooting and/or bleeding.
Civilian personel already runned away and hide whenever possible.
Which saved me a lot of additional expencies, when some soldiers found, that they also have grenades.
That day I was thankfull for goverment, that its military controll randomly discovered and confiscated cargo of land mines, so the delivery was not realized yet.
Also that day I discovered, that those nice glass tanks, where you can see you minion grow, are not only extremely fragile, but also "critical part of growing unit", which was probabely listed on those empty papers along other spare parts that AWE sell separatly - so save you some time, I can ensure you, that ANY part of that Womb (to last control light LED) is on those empty papers so AWE does not sell it separately, as it is nor bounded by contract to that - so ANY scratch on a Womb means you have to buy a whole new unit. Damned "not written in contract" letters!
So I ordered new set of AWE units and organised some "learn walk as child first" curses for my new minions (I hope, that all those mysteriously dissapiered nurses from weight-loss clinics did not bother you, as I can see, that my minion is losing weigth each day, they work for me, so I suppose your minion also do not need their service).
It cost me only few more sets of AWE units (and just few years) to be able raise my artifical minoins to stage, where they could be armed and used for some basic security routes around base.
But you know those 00's, they still make problems. One of them, when cornered, start threatenig my heavily armed guardians with pocket knife, yelling something like "who of you @#$% want die for your leader first!" You guess right - they all formed queue and got stabbed to death with 2 inches long pocket knife. I lost whole army and he also damaged those AWE units by accindent on his escape route.
The next one stole bed sheet and kept it in his front, loudly stating, that he is out of Line Of Sight, so he cannot be realibly hit (which sadly was in accordance with the military materials and they luckily had not aerial support or long range artilerry so they just let him in and out without much collateral added to what he did). I had to get rid of that batch and grow new one with this hole ina manual fixed.
But the 00's are such cheaters, that the next one came in open and blatlantly LIED them, that he is ultra rare endangered plant, which cannot be touched. And also vandalized those AWE Wombs with some stupid grffiti, so I was forced order new set in addition of getting rid of this batch.
Next batch had instructions to trust no one than me, but that went wrong too, as they tried to capture anybody I put on command, I had to ordered then to everything, like eating, lacing their boots etc. etc. and then some of them mistook AWE Wombs for masked enemies and shoot them down, when they refuse go to the jail.
Took me few more iterations, until I got something vaguely useable as last druked street homeless and it cost me so much, that I was forced to spend my exotic vacation on one of my at least month old luxury yachts - just try imagine, how much I must be broke to go so low!
And when I returned, I ofcourse found, thet they terribly screewed again. I was so angry, I ordered their leader to kill himself in the most painfull death on the spot. And he ofcourse did - he slowly chopped small parts of his body, making mess over whole my audience room and all the time he looked on me with so much of love and happiness in his eyes. And none of others was trembling in fear, but they looked on him with jealousy and whispered, that even when he failed his mission, he was personally assigned another difficult mission diretly from me. And you do not want to know, what happened after I leaved that room with curse "F*ck you all!" on my lips.
Trust me, I snapped at the point. It is not possible to spread terror and fear with such material around. Those old mercenaries from 1-800 DIAL-A-HENCHMAN with all their quirks, insubordinations, wages and whatsever proved a million ways cheapear and easier to manage.
With regards "Let Earth scream under my feets"
yours eternal rival and arcenemy
Gilhad the Black Plague