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The situation is simple: There is a stadium filled to the brim with a liquid lake of boiling hot melted cheese. You want all the cheese. It's a 10-acre stadium, with a height of 166 feet, and a seating capacity of 102,780. The stadium is under minimal guard, but there is a flotilla of four SWAT helicopters overhead that are slowly lowering a 50-foot tortilla chip into this lake of deliciousness. Probably some snipers.

Under these conditions, how do you successfully extract all of the melted cheese and make your escape with it? Bonus points if you complete your heist before the cheese cools, and extra bonus points if you can get away with the chip, as well.

EDIT: Your assets are a blimp, two goons who will do whatever you tell them, 5 million USD, and a tanker truck. You have two weeks to prepare, but only one day to seize this glorious opportunity. Real-world physics apply (the tortilla chip is reinforced with steel).

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    $\begingroup$ I am pretty sure you pull a Carmen Sandiego. Interpol reports that Carmen Sandiego has stolen the Swiss Alps. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 0:20
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    $\begingroup$ A lot of this depends highly on the motives of the people who placed the cheese there, why they want to dip a chip in it, and what happens to the cheese if you fail. Psychology is the key here - convincing your enemies that they want you to take the cheese while it's still edible and gooey. You need to set the environment in which this happens. Arrest them for stealing the cheese from someone else. Recruit environmentalists to protest the waste of edible food. Also, does the cheese need to be sanitary? That ship may have already sailed. $\endgroup$
    – DWKraus
    Apr 1 at 0:23
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    $\begingroup$ What type of cheese is it? Can we assume Cheddar? $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 0:36
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    $\begingroup$ VTC: story based story building, not much to answer with "using science, geography and culture", worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/help/on-topic , worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/help/dont-ask $\endgroup$
    – MolbOrg
    Apr 1 at 2:44
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    $\begingroup$ Real world physics can't apply unless the entire stadium is sunk into the ground - there isn't a stadium in the world that wouldn't collapse outwards under the weight of that much fluid at room temperature, let alone molten cheese. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 3:25
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This is literally the most stupid, expensive, risky, silly, brave, dangerous, and glorious way to steal some cheddar.

  1. Infiltrate the project using your money and resources without telling anyone about your devious heist plan;

  2. Learn to drive those cool SWAT helicopters;

  3. Request security clearance to pilot that cool helicopter from the stadium owner (and your request is granted, obviously);

  4. Hire about 50 random workers to help with the Grand Cheese Theft;

  5. Hire someone to drive your blimp;

  6. Also hire a crew who will be able to suck up that cheese;

  7. On the day of the theft, have seven goons knock out four helicopter pilots before they fly up. Your seven goons + you = 8 on your side helicopters/8 total helicopters.

  8. You jump out of the helicopter and land in an already prepared spot outside the stadium (helicopter crashes, no one cared about it anyway);

  9. Order a crew of about 15 workers to scale the stadium. And your goons to search for snipers;

  10. Have your remaining workers drive two huge tankers right in front of that glorious cheese;

  11. Suck 100 tonnes total of the cheese and use two already bought trucks to haul away the chip;

  12. By this time, helicopters and additional guards are returning. Order trucks to escort the tankers out of the area;

  13. But, while the helicopters and guards are chasing the tankers... you set your real plan in motion;

  14. Your goons are still in helicopters and are ordered to fly above the stadium and let loose huge thick metal cables;

  15. Order workers to go into the stadium of hardening cheese and use high-powered drills (that aren't invented yet for us, but are for them) that can easily slice through the cheddar;

  16. Drill in large rings into 10 by 10 by 10 cubic feet blocks of cheese. The helicopters can lift 30,000 pounds of weight (yes, these are some $$$ helicopters), and 10 by 10 by 10 cubic feet of cheese would weigh about 59,110 pounds. So, two helicopters could carry 1 of these blocks of cheese at a time (barely, and the helicopters will be trash at the end). It would take about 15 minutes to attach the cable to the ring on the cheese and for the helicopter to lower it into a nearby truck (going as fast as possible). There is about 1,000,000,000 pounds - 100 tonnes (from the decoy tanker trucks) = 999,800,000 pounds of hardened cheese. With four helicopters doing this + four extra helicopters you already owned, your lifting about 236,440 pounds of cheese every 15 minutes from all the helicopters. At this rate, it will take 63441 minutes or 1057 hours or 44 days. Obviously, you need to change some things up or this will go on forever. So, you make some changes:

  17. The first thing that you do is starting to pump helium into the cheese to make it easier to lift;

  18. You also use large bombs to destroy roads leading to the stadium. No roads, no police land vehicles. You set up a scanner to identify objects in the sky. You call reinforcements by air;

  19. Luckily, the stadium is next to a port. Coidecntaly, you own some very large ships. You set some stuff up by phone. Within two hours (the helicopters are working during that time), a massive cargo ship arrives (from a separate heist, long story short) that can carry 40,000 tonnes of weight (80,000,000 pounds). Six large cranes came on top of the ship;

  20. While the ship was coming, your workers were set to do something different, they were ordered to slice a 30 by 30 by 20 cubic feet block of cheddar;

  21. You order all eight helicopters to lift it up (240,000 max pounds) and the six cranes (480,000 max pounds total). Together, their max load is 720,000 pounds. The 30 by 30 by 20 block of cheese inflated with helium is exactly 720,000 pounds heavy. It takes 30 minutes to lift it and set it on the ship. The trucks full previously of cheese also start to load up the ship;

  22. At this rate, you can load (997,908,480 pounds total) 1,440,000 pounds of cheddar onto your ship per hour. You set everyone to work while you deal with the police and arriving military surrounding in a 2 mile out from the stadium;

  23. Your reinforcements arrive by air: more helicopters, weapons, missiles, food, supplies, and money. You set the seven helicopters on the cheese job while you assemble a small army. You pass out highly technological weapons to about 40 willing workers;

  24. You order them to drive their various vehicles out to the invaders (police and military). You order their immediate surrender or else you will blow up your whole bomb supply which you planted in a large city for this purpose;

  25. They surrender. You take them prisoner to help with the cheese job and their vehicles and supplies go to the cheese heist as well;

  26. While doing that, hundreds of thousands of pounds are loaded onto the ship;

  27. Your final part of the plan comes into play. You order the ship to take the cheese that it has so far to your evil lair. When it comes back, you will load 80,000,000 pounds of cheddar onto it;

Wait? What? How? The helicopters, even all 15 of them + six cranes only equals 960,000 pounds. You also add military and other vehicles to pull it. Even then, you're not getting close to 80,000,000 pounds. You inject more helium into the cheese. You call in more helicopters. You use the blimp. You threaten the city government to provide more people. You steal cranes from the port. You squeeze water out of the cheese. You start to build a ramp from the stadium to the ship. You do whatever it takes, and finally, you load 80,000,000 of cheese onto the ship. And you do it again.... and again.... and again.... 12 times more in fact.

  • The army comes. You capture them.

  • The air force comes. You blow them out of the sky (small number of fatalities, most ejected the plane).

  • The navy comes. You capture them.

  • You take the navy's boats. You use them too.

Finally, you finish.

  • You have shipped off almost 1 billion pounds of cheese.
  • You release thousands of workers/slaves/employees.
  • You blow up all the remaining helicopters, vehicles, supplies, and stadium.
  • You leave the site escorted with armed trucks.
  • You drive to your evil layer.
  • You tie off all loose ends.

And...

You eat the cheese! All 1,000,000,000 pounds of it!

It only took all your money, resources, and helicopters - and made you the most wanted man in America.

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    $\begingroup$ Oh, this is the silly answer $\endgroup$
    – Strawberry
    Apr 1 at 8:50
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    $\begingroup$ The stadium is four hectares by 50 metres — that’s 500,000 tonnes of cheese. If your tanker truck is very very big and can can hold 50 tonnes, that means that you need to make 10,000 round trips to get all the cheese. $\endgroup$
    – Mike Scott
    Apr 1 at 9:14
  • $\begingroup$ @MikeScott Hmmmm.... you're right. I will try to fix that problem. $\endgroup$
    – Nai45
    Apr 1 at 13:59
  • $\begingroup$ @MikeScott What do you think now? $\endgroup$
    – Nai45
    Apr 1 at 22:11
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    $\begingroup$ Don't forget to schedule time for a climactic fight with the local super-spy atop the ersatz cheese blimp. $\endgroup$
    – notovny
    Apr 2 at 22:14
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Buy it.

You do not mention detail about the owners of this cheese or why they are engaged in this endeavor. I here assert that it is an art project. Once the project is done they will be glad to wash their hands of the whole deal and move on to other artistic projects. You can have the cheese for $10 and rent the stadium for a week for less than a million.

Now you own the cheese and the chip and you are renting the stadium. Your goons fly the blimp advertising free cheese and the people come and devour it in a most unhygienic fashion.

You will need to pay another million to clean up the stadium in time for bocci ball season.

Now with remaining money you run for mayor as the free cheese guy.

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    $\begingroup$ This was my first thought. However It does not fulfil the "steal" requirement. Also a supervillain would never be so honest it's just not in their nature. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 8:10
  • $\begingroup$ @chasly-supportsMonica maybe his evil plan is to become mayor... mwuahaha! $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 10:16
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    $\begingroup$ @chasly-supportsMonica Presumably the supervillain has yet to be canonised as Cheesus Christ, so he still has some way up to go $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 13:13
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    $\begingroup$ @nullpointer - Blasphemy! Don't you know that Cheesus is the son of Gouda? $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 13:42
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    $\begingroup$ He could run for mayor as Mayor McCheese! $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 17:36
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You steal it without moving it

Steal the whole stadium in situ.

Use the 5 million to buy or otherwise obtain a weapon of mass destruction. Threaten the local populace with a massive explosion of boiling cheese if they don't let you keep the stadium and the cheese. That way you still have the heating unit in place and can keep the cheese melted indefinitely.

Supervillains always use WMDs and threats of widespread destruction if they can.

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  • $\begingroup$ And only enjoy the cheese for as long it takes to reverse the transaction made under duress after you leave because there is no way you can move the cheese with every eye on you in the stadium. The plan with misdirection is IMHO better. $\endgroup$
    – mishan
    Apr 1 at 8:24
  • $\begingroup$ @mishan - "there is no way you can move the cheese" Exactly. There is no way. That's why I suggested leaving it where it is. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 11:11
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First, fill another stadium with something that looks like cheese but isn't.

Then, two solutions:

  • Have really big pumps that switch the contents of both stadium (with heated pipes, duh). You might need to dig holes to have the pipes stay stealthy. When they'll come to dip the big chip, they won't even notice that it isn't real cheese !

  • From your blimp, project an hollogram on top of the real cheese to make it seems the stadium is empty. You previously bribed/threatened someone in the SWAT team so that he'll lead the flotilla toward the wrong stadium. Everyone will just think they got the wrong address, no problem ! And you now have all the time in the world to dispatch the minimal security and fill lots of heating trucks with all the good cheese.

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  • $\begingroup$ "First, fill another stadium" What are the chances that two equal-sized stadia will be near enough to each other to do this? Your plan goes way over budget. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 10:15
  • $\begingroup$ Maybe fill a stadium with stadiums to guarantee you'll have enough? $\endgroup$
    – user253751
    Apr 1 at 12:43
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Drain it through the sewers

I'm not even kidding. Just use the money to clear the area and the path that you want to take. Use the 5 million us dollars to buy trucks at the other end. Just drain it through the sewers. Friction caused by the movement of the cheese should sustain it to a degree, as would the high fluid pressure. You never said you wanted it to be edible. As chasly - supports Monica pointed out it would harden. So you mine it. And THEN transport it to the trucks.

How is the cheese getting the heat to be molten anyways? Does it contain irradiated dust? Cancer cheese. Mmm...

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  • $\begingroup$ As soon as it hits the cool underground sewers it will start to solidify. Before an hour has passed the sewers will be blocked solid. Nothing will come out of the other end. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 0:40
  • $\begingroup$ You just bring in some heavy ming equipment, it's just an intermediary step. Plus, the pressure exerted by the cheese would be enormous so it would flow fast and create friction in the process, heating the cheese up along the way $\endgroup$
    – Madman
    Apr 1 at 0:49
  • $\begingroup$ @TheMadmanandtheFool I see someone thought of the ocean's eleve...twe...thirteeen? $\endgroup$
    – mishan
    Apr 1 at 8:23
  • $\begingroup$ @chasly-supportsMonica We're already presupposing enough heating to melt a stadium full of cheese. For $5m, you can bribe the designer of that heating system to also specify a continuous heated vent sleeve down the sewer to some suitable overflow site. The designer can simply say it's an emergency outlet or something like that. Then all your supervillain needs to do is open the valve. $\endgroup$
    – Graham
    Apr 1 at 9:22
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    $\begingroup$ @chasly-supportsMonica The great thing with bribing the designer is that it's part of the official design. It doesn't matter if people notice it, because it's supposed to be like that. And the cost to build the heated vent system is actually paid for by the people whose cheese it is. How much more supervillain can you get than making people pay for the means of theft from themselves! :) $\endgroup$
    – Graham
    Apr 1 at 10:56
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Because the stadium is filled with cheese, we could assume, that all openings are closed, except the top, where the helicopters with the chip are.

Find a possibility, to convince all people, that the stadium is empty already, when the helicopters appear. Use a big plane, hologram or VR-equipment (do all people in the helicopters wear special glasses?) to let the stadium be apparently empty.

Be the great hero, who have enough cheese to fill the stadium again (maybe for free?) to save the day! And while they think, you bring the cheese, you will in reality take it. (I would recommend to use cleaned oil-tanker for transportation and heated pipes to the stadium. But because it was already filled, you could also use the same method than the others before...)

Oil-tanker stealing melted cheese from stadium with plane on top to convince it is empty

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You could use a "water bomber" plane that scoops up the hot liquid cheese and then releases it into another "bowl" of your choosing. See the following video for reference:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHuoXD_VmBs

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    $\begingroup$ This would take years. About as long as it would take to empty the lake. You have only two weeks. $\endgroup$ Apr 1 at 13:40
  • $\begingroup$ @chasly-supportsMonica Actually, only 1 day. 14 days to prepare, but only 1 to execute the plan. $\endgroup$
    – Nai45
    Apr 1 at 22:31
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Channel The Eldritch

With such a crazy hypothetical, there is no WAY Cthulhu is not involved. He shares the first letter of his name with cheese, and to eldritch monstrosities, that is a big deal!

This means one can use eldritch magic to solve this problem. It is a little-known fact that eldritch monstrosities will grant boons in exchange for a one really weird act or just sustained weird behavior, which is why wizards have a reputation for kookiness. (Two little-known facts: spaghetti loves cheese and Pastafarians worship an eldritch monstrosity.)

Thus, if one agrees to spend 5 million USD to do goofy things (or maybe just launch a company called Cheesy Chthulhu, which sells strange but good cheesy foods) chances are you could gain a Potion of Giant Size from Chthulhu (plus a bag of chips that will grow with you), drink it, and proceed to walk to the stadium, take the chips, dip them, and eat them. Mmmm....

Oh, and for the cheese that will undoubtedly be left after your nacho binge (personal experience tells me you can never get all the cheese, no matter how hard you try, especially in a place with as many nooks and crannies as a giant stadium), you should really pay five million supermodels dressed as mermaids to lick up all that cheesy goodness. (Trust me, Cthulhu will make this hypothetical real if you sign a contract promising to make it happen.)

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  • $\begingroup$ Do we need to ask how you know about licking cheese out of nooks and crannies? This might be a step too far towards NSFW. ;) $\endgroup$
    – Graham
    Apr 1 at 11:01
  • $\begingroup$ Actually, no. I'm just an ordinary guy who knows how hard it can be to get every last bit of nacho cheese from ordinary containers of nachos. Chips.....so inefficient..... $\endgroup$
    – Alendyias
    Apr 1 at 13:04

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