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Captain's Log

For some time we have been monitoring broadcasts from a planet that calls itself "Earth". We have noticed that it is fond of placing short documentaries in slots between the regular programs. They call these documentaries, "adverts".

Often there appear to be some creatures that are bred purely to be eaten. Many, e.g. "sheep" and "cows" appear to be limited in intelligence as would be hoped.

However a few species have remarkable skills. For example there are those called "biscuits" or "cookies".

We know from the short documentaries that many of these are capable of conversing and even other activities such as playing music. See examples below.

That sentient or even living beings should be eaten seems unethical but there are other mysteries. These creatures arrive at humans' homes packed densely in cartons or packets. How do they breathe? A greater mystery, how and why do they develop such amazing skills in such a short time?

Question

Why do humans invest so much time in training these creatures to speak, play music etc. only to eat them alive almost immediately?


Documentary 1. https://youtu.be/08LzhobYj-8

Documentary 2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2wy_YyHucI

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    $\begingroup$ Pathos is the best spice. Let the baking season commence! $\endgroup$ – user535733 Jul 4 at 21:14
  • $\begingroup$ Actually, they reside in the Earthlings' computers. $\endgroup$ – Hot Licks Jul 5 at 16:30
  • $\begingroup$ It'll be a lot more understandable if we have different words for living and dead cookies, e.g. a living pig is pig or hog, while a slaughtered one is called pork. $\endgroup$ – user3528438 Jul 6 at 6:17
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Ultimately, the answer comes down to breeding. No, not thát kind of breeding! I mean the kind that results in

Making More Biscuits!

You see, the entire life span of any biscuit species is long and complex and, oddly enough, requires a trip through one of a small number of domesticated species' digestive tracts. Mostly humans, but also dogs and cats, in the case of a smaller number of biscuit species.

You see, any kind of biscuit begins life as a seed called "corn", and there are several variants that can ultimately become biscuits, the most populous kind being "wheat". After the seed matures, it enters a sort of larval stage called "flour" where all the corns amalgamate into a kind of mega colony where they await further development. The flour stage can last from several weeks to several months or even years.

But once activated, by the consumption of certain sugars & fats, the larval flour moistens, thickens and matures into its pupal stage called "dough", and it is from the dough that individual biscuits mature in a very hot envronment.

After this intense period of maturation, the adult biscuits emerge, and after a time of intense courtship, make use of their curiously evolved mimicry (the ability to "talk" and make "music" in the fashion of humans) which endears the humans to them to such an extent that they can hardly put the packet of biscuits down before gobbling the whole sweet lot!

This is actually precisely what the adult biscuits' goal is, to be eaten by humans! Because it's the humans whose wastes (their own as well as their animals') that will fertilise the next generation! Biscuits have apparently achieved this curious symbiosis after millennia of careful breeding of a species capable of engaging in agriculture. It's further thought that the very brains of the humans have in some curious way been modified such that they have become willing & complicit partners in the suicidal reproductive cycle of the biscuit.

As a matter of clarification: it has been brought to the Commission's attention that human farmers do not (or rather rarely) use human excrement to fertilise their crops. Biscuits are well aware of this, as a matter of fact. If they specialised in passing through the intestines of cows and sheep and so forth, biscuits wouldn't get very far on account of cows and pigs can't cook. What they've come to depend on is a creature just bright enough to engage in agriculture, but yet just dim enough to not question the eating of a sentient species.

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    $\begingroup$ A bit like the mice or the dolphins. Excellent answer. $\endgroup$ – Fivesideddice Jul 5 at 12:26
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    $\begingroup$ Minor problem that throws this entire answer into doubt: Earth farmers don't use human excrement as fertilizer because of health reasons. The feces might contain dangerous pathogens that may end up infecting the crops. $\endgroup$ – Nzall Jul 5 at 14:14
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    $\begingroup$ @Nzall --- This has been clarified in the answer. $\endgroup$ – elemtilas Jul 5 at 14:57
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I presume it's because these 'human beings' are actually non-sentient creatures that are taken over by a collective consciousness that manifests itself as 'biscuits' in order to be consumed. This theory explains:

  1. Why cookies make themselves attractive — through song, dance, sweetening, and witty repartee — and why they package themselves for ready consumptions, so that they can settle into a host
  2. Why human beings do not express any notable intellectual capacities until they reach the age where they can begin consuming biscuits (around age one to two)
  3. Why human beings at the height of their biscuit-eating activity — ages six to ten — reach peak intelligence for the species. See supplementary footage "Home Alone", "Home Alone 2", and similar.

N.B. I will not weigh in on the McClaren/Dreyfus dispute over whether the eponymous 'Cookie Monster' is a collective cognitive archetype or an ancestral memory of a previous species used by cookies before they chose humans as a vector for consciousness, but point out its relevance to this discussion.

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It's an honor for cookies to be eaten for humans. They train hard for their sub-species (or "brand") to be chosen by humans. Sometime humans shot the documentaries with a particular brand, and the cookies do their best so that humans eat a maximum of cookies from this brand. In turn, human grow (or "produce") a lot of cookies from this brand. If a brand is not often chosen, humans end the brand, so working hard as a cookie for its brand to be chosen hence grown is also a Darwinian winning strategy. Humans are just cold-hearted and dominant, so they pick the most entertaining species (among other criteria). They spend time and energy to train cookies for entertaining purpose. They just have some resources to spend on entertainment.

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