So, the world is operated by daemons. Daemons are divine entities that govern various aspects of the world. Think of stuff like river gods, tasked with maintaining the water supply and filtering out contaminants of their river.

Gods had a mutually beneficial agreement with mortals: If mortals worshipped them, they'd ensure that there wouldn't be too much drought or extreme weather that'd put the mortals' lives and livelihood in risk. To do so, the gods used the worship energy of the mortals.

There are many of these lesser gods, so worshipping all of them is problematic. Now, this problem was remedied with a recursive hierarchy. Simply put, each major aspect (rivers, forests, mountains, etc..) had their own prime gods, equal in power, who were worshipped instead of the lesser gods. The worship-energy would be passed down to and up from the lesser gods, allowing for a neat distribution of resources, each according to their own needs.

Later, some aspects would create a whole new class of prime who controlled much broader domains and even adapted more unbalanced personalities. For instance, Zeus controlled a large part of the aerospace and was the definition of adultery in his lifestyle, Poseidon's was a large chunk of the ocean and dry land, etc...

It was a flawed system, but the lesser gods accepted it and moved on. Then everything changed when the jews attacked...


Rargh, fine!

Then everything changed when God's Army attacked. Basically, they were a horde of barbarians who worshipped the God Jehova. Jehova was a whole new kind of Prime (again) who simply put, wanted to have the credit for everything. "Fine!", sighed the lesser gods, "It's not like we've been in the spotlight for a while..."

Then they read Isaiah 44:6:

“This is what the Lord says—
Israel’s King and Redeemer, the Lord Almighty:
I am the first and I am the last;
apart from me there is no God.

The noodle dragons and sexy fertility gods, who both worked tirelessly to maintain the balance were declared demons and their worship was punishable by death.

They were having none of it, but lesser gods couldn't organize as well as God's Army, so they were losing territory rapidly.

This is where our story deviates from the standard formula. Most gods by that point had accepted their subjugation when the heroes they needed arrived:

Coming from beyond the divine, three moderators stood in the path of Jehova's tyranny:

  • Kaioh, The Lord of Annihilation
  • Mephistopheles, The Lord of Cheese
  • Steve, The Lord of Speed-building and Creativity

They were outside of the divine power structure, and their names reflected the role they played in troubleshooting. Together, they've stopped God's Army, both in the mortal front, were Kaioh and Steve defeated Judge Samson, King David, and most of the prophets and in the divine front, where Mephistopheles used his power to hack God's powers and turn it against him.

So, what's the problem? You see, Jehova's Endgame was to obtain every domain and bring an unshakable order and peace to his new empire with little consideration for others' opinions.

To cement how he won't end up like every other tyrant, Jehova wanted to establish himself as:

  1. Omnipotent
  2. Omniscient
  3. Unknowable ("God works in mysterious ways")

These three cornerstones were destroyed during his battle with the mods:

  • Mephisto hacked his power, disproving his omnipotence and unknowability.
  • Kaioh and Steve defeated God's Army, thwarting their plans and disproving Jehova's omniscience and omnipotence.

The problem is that I wanted to preserve The Bible's general plot, but that has now become impossible without a good excuse.

Sure, Jehova is still powerful and his cult is one of the largest, but it's very apparent that he can be defeated. Furthermore, now that Jehova can't rely on the "It'll make sense in due time" excuse, His followers can't explain many of his self-contradictory actions. Now, nobody wants to rewrite the entire Bible, so Jehova needs a catch-all excuse for his self-contradiction that can be applied to a wide variety of them. Sure, the Flood (that never happened) can be excused as symbolic, but others... not so much.

Our ultimate test will be justifying the weirdest story in the Bible.

What should God's excuse be?

  • $\begingroup$ I don't get what "ideology won't end in Stalin" is supposed to mean. $\endgroup$ Jun 15 '20 at 23:38
  • $\begingroup$ This is ... not really well thought. It's not as if in the real world Yahweh's chosen people have actually never encountered devastating setbacks, or as if Yahweh's cult has met with universal acceptance. Ever heard of a guy named Titus Flavius Vespasianus? Ever heard of, I don't know, pagans, such as Buddhists or Hindus? Anyway, God never needs an excuse. God's people need an excuse: "et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est; et sepultus resurrexit: certum est, quia impossibile." (Tertullian, De carne Christi, early 3rd century CE.) $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Jun 16 '20 at 0:02
  • $\begingroup$ (And Balaam's antics are not the weirdest story in the Bible, by far. In fact, it's a straight forward parable warning against the perils of succumbing to the temptations of the flesh. In this story, Balaam himself is just a foil; his name was used probably because it was the name of an already famous prophet.) $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Jun 16 '20 at 0:12
  • $\begingroup$ @AlexP The problem isn't that they've lost, it's that they have trouble coming up with a reason why. Normally, you could say "God works in mysterious ways" until Meph dumps all of God's stats into a txt file and mails it to everyone. Skydaddy can feign weakness but not strength. $\endgroup$ Jun 16 '20 at 0:25
  • $\begingroup$ Gods stats already are known. He is not hiding. He lost His first temple. He lost His second temple. His severity against Sodom and Gomorrah did not prevent the spread of that way of life. His people were scattered to the four corners of the Earth. He did not win the contest for hearts and minds with the Hindu luxuriant pantheon. He did not win the contest for hearts and minds with Siddharta Gautama, who was not even an immortal divinity. He allowed His cult to splinter into irreconciliable rival religions. But it doesn't matter. This is the entire point of faith. $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Jun 16 '20 at 0:38

Why not just claim that the earlier gods, even the three pests who are still challenging His rule were all earlier attempts at this "free will" experiment, where the all powerful god creates something that does not have to obey His will. It is free to do as it pleases, not as proof of the weakness of its creator, but rather as ultimate proof of omnipotence.

Remember when that pesky eight year old kid asked you "Can God create a stone He can't lift?". The answer is "Yes" and for reasons above our pay grade, that doesn't make Him any less all powerful.

Free Will and the actions of free-willed beings (either mortal or lesser gods) is like that...

"Can God create a creature under His rule yet free to do what it wants?"

"Yes, that is what allpowerful means!"

"Can those creatures then proceed to do things that God doesn't want them to do?"

"Yes, that is what free will means!"

And the fact that this hurts our faith in His omni-everything-ness, is not His problem. We just lack the mental capacity to understand how this obvious contradiction is not one in His reality.


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