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Fair warning - just rewatched Bill & Ted, so this is going to be a bit crazy.

Imagine for a moment there exists a world where “awesomeness” is a true force of nature.

Awesome people have the ability to perform awesome magic by channeling their inner awesomeness to their target. This may be used both offensively (a monster might be hit with such a pure wave of awesomeness it becomes a fez. why a fez? because fezzes are cool) and defensively (wouldn't you consider it awesome where the dragon flame that's about to burn you suddenly becomes a river of candy?).

Naturally the more awesome someone is the more awesome their magic power is. Almost everyone has a little bit awesome in them, but not dave (lowercase d because he's so boring that even his name lacks any strength of character). dave is so boring and plain that he sucks the awesome out of everything and everyone near him just by being there to the level no awesome magic can happen near him.

The question

Why would a group of awesome magicians keep dave near them during their D&D-style adventures? Not just sorta be OK with him making their magic fail but actively want him around? It can't be that he's cool and fun to be around because that would mean he has some awesomeness in him, which is clearly false.

Edit

At long last I made a short story inspired on this question

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    $\begingroup$ In light of the Bill and Ted. What kind of awesome person would be prejudice against someone just becasue they were not yet awesome, true awesomeness is a welcoming awesomeness. As someone who is awesome they must BE awesome and being awesome means being awesome to other people, even those who are not awesome, so as encourage them to become awesome someday. Its not dave's choice to not be awesome so an awesome person could not mistreat him for it. That would not be awesome. $\endgroup$
    – John
    Sep 2, 2018 at 23:48
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    $\begingroup$ Maybe Dave has the keys to his Mom's minivan so all these awesome wizard kids can get to their awesome D&D style adventure? $\endgroup$
    – workerjoe
    Sep 3, 2018 at 1:40
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    $\begingroup$ Keep your friends close and your kryptonite closer. $\endgroup$
    – Davislor
    Sep 3, 2018 at 4:07
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    $\begingroup$ The river of candy is actually still terrifying but I think I get what you mean. $\endgroup$
    – John Hamilton
    Sep 3, 2018 at 10:34
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    $\begingroup$ You've basically just described the premise of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann... the people in there aren't wizards as such, but they are fueled by awesomeness-force and given what they can do with it they might as well be wizards. There are characters in there who have trouble giving in to their inner awesome (but are extremely powerful once pushed to that point) and there are some others who were specifically created without the ability to be awesome (and either roll with it or rebel against it). $\endgroup$
    – Cubic
    Sep 3, 2018 at 12:32

31 Answers 31

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The absolute polar opposite of awesomeness is to be a complete and utter [insert censor here].

You aren't traveling with Dave cause you like him or because he is useful. It is because it is your job. Dave is so much of a jerk and so anti-awesome that he is public enemy number one and on the top bounty lists. This isn't awesome. Being a mass murderer and burning down entire cities by intentionally leaving candles unattended just for the sake of being a jerk is not awesome. Nobody wants him around because any attempt to restrain him fails because he is such a jerk. Your band of awesome people are just bounty hunters skilled enough to risk attempting to bring him into jail for his crimes. Of course, jail isn't magical. It's just a building of bricks so in fact Dave being so not awesome makes it easy to restrain him and other prisoners. Normally when people are evil they are awesome in some capacity. They got a cool name or they have some agenda. Dave isn't like that. He is such a jerk that he doesn't do cool bad guy stuff. He doesn't want to "watch the world burn" or summon [insert unnameable abomination here]. No. Dave is just a jerk because it runs through his blood so to speak. He doesn't give a damn about anything other than himself.

And the fact that Dave is still not awesome through the whole journey only proves this further. Dave just makes you feel completely not awesome because all he does day in and day out is hurl insults at anything and anyone around him. Dave is so not awesome that a story prevails of him insulting a tree for a week straight after walking head first into it. Everyone just wants to forget Dave existed because the mere memory of him sucks the awesomeness out of you.

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